..........THE love IS in THE aiR ...........

2009-03-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

what wrong with you.... right now i am in crying....
Don't scare me you know very well that if you leave me now i don't know if i have the strength to continue with my life too.

many peers of mine know that i am crazy and i want to prove them that i am emotional sick but i can't seem to make any new friends at all. I have left them for you and now this ...

i can't handle it all on my own and this week is the 2 of QING MING and you are tell me this.

you know that i have nothing to talk to da ge and now do you know that it hurts me so deep that yesterday i went out of campus 1 30 mins early of lesson end just to think of what would i do if i have lose you...

i really don't know and there are many thing that we have not done together

comin to an end...

2009-03-30T01:24:00.000-07:00

people always log in to blogs and so forth to express their feelings, to share the experience or even just for communicating for all purpose.

i have been using this blog for so long that every time i look into my past life, it hurt so much... so today, i have decided....

this has to end...

everything have to end...

so i am closing this blog... not totally... just that it will not be used as a form of expressing, communication nor others....

it will remain open for someone to view... someone very important to me...

but they wont be anymore post from me...

to jasmine...

sorry babes... i did not inform you of this... but i promise you... i will always visit your blog from now on... till my last breath... coz u are a part of me tat i can no longer hold on to... atleast, this way, i can know that you are there thinking of me...

a test i took.... the result... question: how open are you?

2009-03-25T05:58:00.000-07:00

Your profile

You use modesty as a means of maintaining your privacy

Being modest, for you, is a mark of respect: respect for yourself and your inner thoughts, but also respect for other people. You know there are certain things you could share with others, but that other things should never be revealed, even to those closest to you. You are also careful when you choose your friends and confidantes. With your observant and discreet personality you need to know someone very well before you feel relaxed sharing with them. You need time before you will confide in them or be able to talk to them honestly. You have a healthy attitude to the things that should remain private and the things that should be public knowledge. This means that you hardly ever say too much and then regret it later and it also means that you have your own private space that you know how to protect. Keep going the way you are and things will be fine.

2009-03-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

this morning major breakout at home with mom... haish.... i hate to stay at home... coz every time i at home, world war always break out... so after boiling the eggs, i rush to the bathrom and bath and get ready to get out of the house!!! yeah... now i am in the school lib... atleast here i can relax my mind and do my work properly.... and the best part of it is... there is no one to scold me... to lecture me... and to remind me of things... haa.... stress free...

yesterday i submited a part of my novel writing to Penulisan2u... its my first novel writing though... then after that i had a light supper... if i am not wrong, 2 slice of wheat bread and a big mug of hot milo.. haaaa... it was heaven... and the best part is, after my late shower before bed, i felt sleepy and had a good rest... it was about 1.30 in the morning if i am not wrong...

then, this morning my dad woke me up at about 9 am. before he go to work... then he asked me to boil eggs for him to eat for lunch... i was preety tired so i was like sleeping on the sofa in the living room... then my mom started shouting.. asking me to boil the eggs quick and all... i ust ignored her... i was so tired... and my dad will only return at 1!!! so whats the damn rush??? well i continued sleeping... then she shouted.... "If you dont clean the dishes and boil the eggs, i am gonna trow all the dirty dishes in your room, throw all the eggs away and burn all your thing in the room!!!" then only my damn bitchy sis wake up from her room and rush to the kitchen... and i... i keep sleeping on the sofa... coz this is not the first time she threatens like that... and i am so used to it, i dont give damn for it anymore...

so now... you know why i had a war early in the morning... well i woke up after awhile and boil the eggs, about 15 pieces, took a long shower... slowly cleaning myself, then ironed my clothes and tudung and quickly get ready to go out..." Hidayah! bring in all the dry laundries... i want to hang the newly washed ones..." well that i manage to do without any remarks or comment.. so while i was quietly doing my job outside at the balcony, my neighbour opened her front gate and said " Dah masak???" means cook already... then i just replied... dah cik lin.. masak lemak cili api aje... means, yes... eggs cooked in coconut milk and cili api... then she goes.. oh.... well at that part, i already bundled all the dried laundries down and picked it up and went inside... then i took my laptop bag and rush out.. even before my mom could say anything... Alhamdulillah.. at least the first part of the day is gone...

LOL....

now... i have to get back to work and do my research...

Bye...

FYP MEETING SUX!!!!!

2009-03-19T03:21:00.000-07:00

today i had to meet my fyp group to discuss on the project scope... it really sux lah.. initially we were supposed to meet at wld lib but mA changed the place to RP lib without telling me lah... wen she arrive already then she told me.... sux rite... then i have to pay for bus fare... haish... wat to do...

then meet already..cant realy come up with the scope... skeleton yes... flesh and muscle no.. stress seh... then... tomoro meeting canceled... that is good lah but nuisance rite.... really sux man today....

2009-03-16T18:19:00.000-07:00

To: Babe

The 2 poems or songs make me cry. this is the tough period for me as it's soon have class test and after that i will have my final exam.

Sorry i have not been contacting both of you for sometime and i don't want to stress both of you anymore abt my life and i have been very busy add the same time i bust my hp bill again.

now waiting for the time to pass so i can go to class for the subject that i am weak in. Sharon have not been coming to class again but i know that he will have t0 repeat this year + he still have 2 more remodule subject to do.

I don't know is this call longing to be his side or just one side relatioship? I am confuses and don't know what to do?

Lost Love

2009-03-12T06:26:00.000-07:00

I loved you more than
I have ever known
Those starry eyes
Those tender lips
You made my heart melt
Then boil into a roaring fire
I now know

What my eyes could not see
You are the only one that is for me
Many nights those tears flew
Being myself without anyone
Anyone to care about the thoughts
Looking at the sky and knowing
Many mistakes I had
Many mistakes I have had

Good Bye

2009-03-12T06:24:00.000-07:00

I don't really want to say goodbye
I don't really want to leave you
But now I have to go away
Stay away from you forever

What we had was something special
Deep down from our hearts
But now I have to go away
And leave you from my heart

2009-03-11T22:04:00.000-07:00

i had just only ended my first recital for the many years of abandonment... hehe... oklah... managed to finish five surah without many difficulties... yeah!!!! my mom... she still having a hard time to know each syllables.... ish ish ish.... but atleast... she is giving all her bestto do it.. job job everyone!!!

and now, it has been a month since i have my own hp... since mine spoilt... i have to borrow from my family occasionally... aaron said he wants to lend me is sony ericson hp but til now there is no news... haish...

i hate my life!!!!!!

to jasmine...

2009-03-09T21:42:00.000-07:00

hey babes....

relax ar... at least you can see eric even if you guys didnt talk to each other... me... i can even see my guy.... huhuhu i miss fariz.... huhuhuh.... since i have not been working... we dont really communicate much.... well since my hp is spoilt, so we dont communicate at all.... this is more stressing...

To my best friend

2009-03-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

It's a difficult period for all 3 of us. Da ge was complaining to me yesterday abt his duty. Sorry i was mean yesterday as i really can't waste the chance of the some of money invest in me. Thought of change course but now I can't as my dad don't want to invest any more money in me.

This is an important year for me as if I fail this term I can't forget of getting into degree and my future is bleak and I will be the only one in the family that have the last place in the education level.

I saw eric wit his friends last fri in my school bypass at the canteen both of us saw each other but we didn't said hi, I was mad wit myself that why must I meet him now when there is no way I can be wit him and seen we are both in different level and course when he maybe in his final year or term 2 . But now I am lost again why this heaven so cruel to me why can't they show me a path that will let me to happiness and freedom of knowledge and love relationships.

just to be pure and be a silly little girl again

2009-03-08T08:32:00.000-07:00

day by day my pain is getting worse. my called ashiq today... told him that i need more of the pan killer and that he will pass it to me on tuesday when i go to school... well atleast i thing i can stand it for two more days...

oh yeah... i got fired from my woek place... they asked me to quit coz of my attandence.. ismadi said i should sit back and relax and stay home and recuperate.... haish.. this means i will be staying home al day getting lectured by my parents and all... i really hate it lah... so i am looking for job desperately so that i can get out of this damn bloody house... coz if i dont, i will die of stress... depression...

i'll try to hold on...

2009-03-02T02:42:00.000-08:00

living in lies
covering with smiles
faces made perfect
feelings fake through

the heart is yearning
the head is spinning
the body is weakening
the faith is fading

oh why...
cant i hold on...

oh why...
what's going on...

oh why...
its so hard to move on...

lying on the bed
massaging my head
trying to think
what i should do

to have it gone
so that i can move on
living my life
like the wild amazon...

oh why...

oh why...
cant i hold on...

oh why...
what's going on...

oh why...
its so hard to move on...

i have to let go
even if it takes time...
as long as the sun shines
i'll try to hold on...

2009-03-01T21:04:00.000-08:00

yesterday our family outing was at east coast beach... it was fun actually... mamat wanted to play "red indian village" or in malay rumah dayak... its a catching game... but we were lacking of players.. since i had my medication before we went out, so i didnt join the game.. the ones playing were fida, mamat, kak ckin and abg abas... 4 people... imagine that!!!! HOW PATHETICALLY LAME!!!!

well we had lots of fun and that is important... after the beach, we went to IMM for shopping... its oklah... coz i wasnt really enjoying musch as i was having my stomach cramp... i didnt tell my parents though coz i know that they don give a damn for it... so well the day passed by and we all went home...

i still have yet to take my spec from the optical which i ordered about 2 weeks ago...coz the money i already spent on my medication the other day at SGH... haish.. this month. if i calculated correctly... i spent about $320 just on medication.. this is sick rite!!!!!!! if my dad found out about it... i am so dead...

well.... fariz asked me what happened till i had to go to SGH... so i told him the truth... wellfariz is the only one i am very open with other than aaron and jasmine... he is so understanding.... but 90% of the time... he is damn fucking annoying... but what to do.. we cant change anything right.. its his personality... i still dont know why i like him... he is nice in a manner but the other... he is a devil child i tell you.... huh.... so irritating!!!!

well now i am at home in my room typing away.... i am supposed to work but i wanted to take off for this week... coz i still am not feeling well and i got no more cash to go to hospital or clinics to take mc again...

haish... why is life so unfair....

2009-02-26T21:33:00.000-08:00

yesterday i had to go to SGH A&E... haish... i hate my life... when will i be totally sick free... ill free.. i really want to be as healthy as a celery.... is it too much to ask???

and yesterday... while i was at the hospital i met someone i should not have met after an incident that happen long time ago... well not so long ago.. in fact.. only a few months ago... coz he said he will leave Singapore... oh god... jasmine... what should i do???

now i am in my bed.. think damn hard how could this happen... and why is he looking like that? he look so sad... and skinny like he is sick or something... shit... what if he really is sick??? if so... why didn't he tell me?? why is he doing this to me???

oh Allah... if ou hear my prayer.. pls... protect him... from what ever whenever or who ever..where ever he go... if anything were to befall him... let it befall on me as a replacement... for my life is short and not worthy of living... for my sin is too heavy for me to live on...

working like heck!!!

2009-02-13T20:57:00.000-08:00

hey guys... so long never update me story in here...

oks....

now in the office having my break. this morning ayah send me to work and as usuall i got a long lecture about my attitude, responsibility and all from home all the way to the office... it really sucks man.... i love my dad but sometimes, infact most of the time... he can be such a jackass man... hey but that doesnt mean you people can be rude to him alright!!! he is still my FATHER!!!! that i really love...

well lets go to another topic...

yesterday me and salahudin had sexchat... not visually doing sex, but discussing about other people's perspective of premarital sex... its realy nice to have someone who you can openly discuss alot of things and not feel ashamed about it... salahudin is really a nice guy... but i dont know why my parents disapprove of him... its not like i am going out with him or anything... WE ARE JUST GOOD FRIEND!!!! FOR GOD DAM SAKE!!!!

haish.... never mind... lets go to another topic...

16th febuary 2009 is da ge's birthday...
we were supposed to meet with him and celebrate... but in the last minute yesterday, aaron told me that HE HAS TO REPORT FOR DAMN DUTY!!!!! haish... so we rearranged the celebration to 17th of feb... haish.. so sad... birthday boy cant celebrate on his birthday!!! WTF!!!

well next topic...

for valentine...

jasmine gave me couple photo frame!!!! hehehe put our photos in!!! so cute!!! i really love it...
Mistery sender - a bouque of roses... 20 stalks...
- a box of chocolates... heart shape!!! so cute!!!
- an a voicemail signing a love song... the voice was altered.... private number and cute song... hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!! wats with all these people!!!!

Kehidupan

2009-02-13T03:52:00.000-08:00

Langit merendah. Bumi basah. Pohon-pohon ditimpa hujan. Aku tidak tahan berhadapan wajah malam yang legam ini. Aku segera memaut daun jendela. Jari-jari angin tidak lagi menjamah wajahku. Hanya sebahagian rambutku terurai melekat dipipi yang lemap dan gebu. Aku merebahkan badan di atas katil yang empuk berwarna kuning keemasan dan dihias dengan kaitan ros bersambungan cantik menyerikan lagi kecantikannya sambil pepohon di luar tetap berdiri tegak dalam kegelapan…

Abah meninggal dunia dua mingu yang lalu. Umurnya sudah pun mencapai sembilan puluh tiga tahun. Sayangnya, ketika abah meninggalkan dunia, tiada sesiapapun yang berada disisinya walaupun abah mempunyai dua orang anak.

Ibu, anak yang memberi teduh untuk kedua ibubapanya pada saat-saat terakhir abah dirumahnya, tidak menyangka sedikit pun abah telah menghebuskan nafas terakhirnya dalam keadaan begitu, walaupun sudah berbulan-bulan merawatnya.

Omah, lebih menyedihkan lagi, baru sahaja mandikan dan memberikan abah sarapan sebelum beliau pergi untuk selamanya. Dia lebih terharu dengan pemergian abah tanpa mengatakan kata-kata terakhir…

Pak busu Rezal, anak bungsunya, tinggal agak jauh dari kami, juga tidak ada ketika abah meninggal. Ketika itu, semua orang tiada dirumah ketika abah meninggal… ibu, ayah, pak busu dan isterinya , semuanya sudah keluar ke pejabat masing-masing….

Cucu- cucunya, termasuk aku semuanya berada di sekolah. Abang Yazid, ketika ibu masih menuntut di Universiti National Singapura dan kakak Syikin pulah di Institusi Teknikal Singapura. Abang Yazid pada masa itu sedang mengambil jurusan Sains dan kakak Syikin pula jurusan kerani.

Aku, aku terdampar jauh dari semuanya. Aku menuntut di Universiti New Brunswick kejurusan perguaman. Dan paling aku menyesal lagi adalah, aku hanya diberitahu sehari selepas abah telah dikebumikan. Kerana hari abah dikebumikan adalah hari aku mengambil kertas terakhirku untuk semester aku yang ke empat di sana dan aku tidak punya telefon bimbit untuk mereka hubungi. Hanya dengan memberitahu Umi, ibu angkatku di Brunswick, sahaja mereka dapat menyampaikan berita itu. Kerana di rumah Umi lah aku selalu berkunjung selepas setiap kali aku habis menghadapi peperiksaan.

Petang itu jugalah aku terus ke airport untuk membeli tiket pernerbangan untuk pulang ke Singapura. Pernerbangan dua puluh tiga jam itu bagaikan setahun rasanya. Dan tiada sesiapapun yang menyambut aku di airport Changi. Terpaksalah aku mengambil bas dari airport ke Yishun. Bila aku tiba dirumah, semua orang kampung dan sanak saudara sudah tiada lagi. Ibu katakan mereka baru sahaja menolak pulang ke kampung dengah kereta api pagi itu.

Omah sedang lagi mengerjakan sholat mahgrib dan ayah tiada di rumah. Mungkin dalam perjalanan pulang. Abang, kakak dan adik-adikku semuanya berada di bilik masing-masing. Aku mendekati kamar yang digunakan oleh abah semasa beliau dirawat dirumahku ini. Katil yang digunakan tersusun rapi. Sebuah al-Quran yang tertutup diatas rehal dan dupa yang masih berasap.

Aku terus lalu dan pergi ke bilikku sendiri. Aku menangis tersedu-sedu mengenangkan muka abah yang tenang. Mungkin, setelah abah menghebuskan nafasnya, matanya tentu tertutup rapat dan senyuman yang manis sekali. Kerana aku tahu, beliau tentu senang dengan permergiannya. Umi kata Omah tidak menangis seteruknya. Malah, Umi katakan yang omah hanya menagis untuk seketika dan senyum dengan hati yang senang. Mungkin kerana abah pergi dengan tenang tanpa kesusahan. Dalam sedu esak, aku berdoa kepada Allah semoga rohnya bersama dengan orang beriman.

Pada malam itu, ketika kami sekeluarga sedang makan malam, aku merasakan yang semuanya merasa kesian dengan aku. Mereka seakan mencuba untuk menceriakan suasana dengan membincangkan tentang pelajaran kami. Ayah asyik menanyakan tentang kertas yang aku baru sahaja lalui kelmarin. Kami asyik bertukar pendapat dalam setiap soalan. Itulah ayah, walaupun beliau hanya seorang kerani di syarikat biasa, beliau mampu menanggung semua pelajaran kami. Semua anak-anaknya, termasuk abang dan kakakku walaupun mereka hanya anak tiri untuk dirinya. Dan kerana kesusahan kami jugalah yang memberi aku semangat untuk belajar dengan lebih tekun. Dan bimbingan ayah untuk aku dari semua segi membuat aku lebih bangga dengannya. “biar kita miskin dengan harta, jangan pernah sekali kita miskin dengan kerpercayaan untuk diri sendiri.” Itulah kata ayah setiap kali aku menghadapi masalah.

Pandangan ibu dan ayah amat berbedah sekali, malah setiap kali ibu cuba untuk memberi aku semangat, ibu hanya membuat aku lebih susah. Kerana ibu selalu ingin kami bandingkan pelajaran dan kejayaan kami dengan anak-anak adik-beradik ayah. Dan ia hanya akan membuat aku merasa lebih rendah dari mereka…. Dan setiap kali ibu berkata begitu, aku akan membuang segala kata-katanya itu ketepi kerana aku tidak mahu dibandingkan dengan mereka… malah, aku mahu kami naik ke ambing kejayaan bersama… kerana aku mahu semua anak melayu di Singapura berjaya dengan gemilang.

“Oi! Kenapa termenung?” aku tersedar dari lamungan panjang. Muhammad, adik lelakiku, tersenyum. Dia terus sambung dengan makanan yang ada dalam pinggannya. aku terus bangun dan bereda dari meja, bibik terus bangun dari kerusinya dan mengangkat pingganku kedapur. Entah kenapa rasa laparku tiba-tiba hilang.

Jari-jemariku masih lagi menekan kuat dan laju di piano elektrik yang ayah beli untuk hadiah hari jadiku yang ke sembilan belas. Lagu kegemaranku berkumandang kuat di kuping telinga melalui earpiece hitamku. Tanganku seperti di hipnotis oleh kuasa ajaib untuk terus- menerus main butang-butang lepeh hitam putih itu. Hati yang masih menahan keharuan makin menambahkan lagi ketegangan suasana itu. Simfoni demi simfoni aku main pagi itu. Tak jemu-jemu aku rasakan. Setiap kali simfoni satu habis, simfoni lagi satu datang dalam kepalaku. Dan lebih berat lagi hatiku jadi.

“Hidayah, abah nak Hidayah belajar pandai-pandai. Biar sampai cita-cita dayah untuk jadi peguam tercapai…. Tapi ingat, jangan sekali Hidayah pandang belakang. Sebab, kalau pandang belakang, ia bermakna Hidayah akan jatuh ke bawa. Terus pandang kehadapan, dengan pandang kehadapan, walau pun kita ke belakang, kita tidak akan jatuh… malah… kita akan teguh…dan, kita tidak akan putus asa… dan pintu kejayaan akan terbuka untuk kita. Hidayah, abah nak Hidayah janji pada abah yang Hidayah akan selalu pandang kehadapan. Dan terus maju kehadapan… jangan beri kemarahan, kesedihan, kegagalan dan fikiran negative peluang untuk jatuhkan Hidayah.”

Ahh… kenapa mesti abah pergi!!! Kenapa sekarang…. Aku masih lagi ingin abah disini… aku masih lagi perlukan abah disisi. Abah yang selalu membuat aku gembira dan ceria selalu. Dulu, sebelum aku bertolak ke Canada, aku selalu menghabiskan masa dengan abah dengan membaca buku-buku novel-novel yang aku punyai. Aku akan menemani beliau pada waktu petang selepas sekolah dan aku akan bercerita dengan abah tentang aktiviti harianku. Aku akan suapkan dia makan. Aku akan tolong dia korek telinga dengan korek telinga besi dan aku akan selalu menyanyi dengannya….

Aku rindukan abah. Aku rasakan seperti semua harapan dan daya untuk aku terus hidup pergi bersama abah… Abah…

“Kak Hidayah…..” Muhammad terpekik sambil mencabut earpiece aku di sebelah telinga kanan. “ibu panggil makan …” aku pandang ke luar jendela kamarku… Ya Allah… sudah malam…. Satu hari aku habiskan dengan fikiran sedih dan luahan hati yang sepi… jari telunjukku menekan butang suiz pianoku lalu bereda keluar dan menuju ke meja makan. Sambil aku menjamu hidangan di masak omah, aku duduk diam meneliti perbicaraan mereka… tapi… hati ini…. Hati ini amat kosong sekali…. Terlalu kosong….

Kepalaku rasa berat. Semakin berat tiap detik… Pernafasanku semakin ketat… pandanganku semakin pudar… gelap legam menutupi segala…

“Hidayah… Hidayah… Open your eyes… Look who’s here… its me…. Hidayah…” suara… Suara yang pernah aku puja… Adakah ini satu mimpi. Tidak mungkin dia ada disini. Mungkin kepergian abah hanya satu mimpi. Satu hayalan. Mungkin…..

Aku membuka mataku. Silau. Silau dengan cahaya putih yang membutakan. “Hidayah! You are awake!” satu kucupan ku rasa didahiku…”Hidayah. It’s me, Joseph. Aku amat merinduimu , sayang.” Ah! Biar betul apa yang aku dengar ini. Joseph cakap melayu???

“Joseph! You are speaking in Malay?! Ahah!Oh my God!!” hatiku yang dulunya kosong mula mengisi dengan kehadiran Joseph. Joseph teman lelakiku di Brunswick. Kami berkenalan apabila aku baru sahaja di universiti itu. Dia mentor orientation tahun pertamaku disana. Dialah teman pertamaku, juga cintaku…

“Perkenalkan, Muhammad Johari Azahar.”

“Hi, selamat berkenalan.” Joseph terketawa melihat aku menghulurkan tangan kepada cermin didepannya… “Nama saya Nurul Hidayah Anastasya. Anda boleh panggil saya
Hidayah…”

Johari peluk dan cium leherku. Nafas hangat saluti leherku yang terbiar tidak tertutup dengan sembarang kain. Tangan yang dipinggang dialih kerambutku. Dengan lembut dia membelai rambutku sambil menjama leherku yang kesejukan. Kucupan demi kucupan membuat badanku yang dingin kepanasan. “Johari, jangan… belum masanya…” dia Cuma mengangguk dan lepaskan diriku lalu pergi.

Aku betulkan baju yang diselak Johari. Hm… dia sanggup menghadapi keluarganya dan meninggalkan semua harta benda untuk memeluk islam demi cinta kami… Mungkin ini masanya untuk aku beritahu ayah.

Malam itu, Johari dan Isalluet, adiknya, tinggal di rumahku. Haish…. Nasib baik rumah kami besar walaupun hanya mempunyai tiga kamar tidur. Johari akan tidur dengan Muhammad di luar, depan kamar tidur aku… Isalluet tidur di kamarku bersama putri dan marble, kucing aku yang di beri oleh teman ibu . Dan mereka akan tinggal disini sehingga tamat cuti semester… pertukaran angin… mungkin ia akan membantu aku….

“Sayang, are you going to tell your parents about our relationship? I don’t know if they will be able to take it. My dad, he has this kind of mentality that only a true malay muslimim will be able to guide and sustain the faith of islamism in me… he said I am too wild… too modernised… to socialized…” Johari memelukku dengan lebih erat. Kaki yang di tenggelamkan kedalam pasir putih di tepi pantai Pahlawan, di tarik keluar dan bergelut di badanku. Tangannya yang hangat, membelai rambutku yang basah dengan air laut masin.

“Jangan risau… Your father tu, hanya risaukan you… I confident yang your father akan terima I. yelah, I akan dapat support you in the future… kita tak akan susah nanti… I juga boleh tolong your father dengan bankruptcy dia. Lepastu, kita akan semua pindah ke rumah I di Brunswick. Mama dan Papa mesti suka.”

Lelaki Jerman itu memandang dalam ke anak mataku. Membuat aku tenggelam dalam renungan matanya yang biru kehijauan. Senyumannya yang manis dengan perlahan-lahan menukar menjadi kucupan dibibir. Aku terfikir, inikah cara yang terbaik? Adakah ini yang aku inginkan? “Tapi, selepas kita bernikah, aku masih ingin menyambung pelajaran, aku ingin bekerja. Aku ingin masuk makamah dan menjadi peguam paling terhormat sekali.” Johari ketawa. “Will you still let me fulfil my dreams?” Dia hanya mengangguk. Oh Allah, kau memberi aku kebahagian setelah kau beri aku kemalangan. Restuilah kami. Hingga ke akhir hayat.

Amin…

Pelangi Indah Dibalik Hujan Panas

2009-02-08T23:45:00.000-08:00

Hari semakin gelap. Lelangit kemerahan menjadi legam. Angin senja menderu menusuk tulang hitam. Sang suria megah dengan perlahan membawa diri pergi. Memberi purnama peluang untuk bersinar.

Aku masih lagi termenung mengingatkan masa lalu. Kenangan pahit diambing nyawa. Peristiwa yang masih berdarah dihati. Seperti ia hanya sahaja berlaku. Seperti ia satu kejadian yang baru sahaja berlalu.

“Az!!!” aku berlari mengejar lelaki yang terbaling oleh kereta honda merah yang berlalu tanpa henti. Lelaki berkulit kuning langsat itu berbaring longlai dengan matanya tertutup rapat... cecair merah mengalir sekeliling... membasahi baju kemeja putih yang dibeli di Italy semasa percutian mereka berdua.

“Az... bangun Az... Az... tolong lah... kenapa... kenapa you bodoh nah... kenapa... kenapa you tolak i... Az... bangun... Az... please...” manik-manik masin meleleh laju tanpa henti.. tanganku tidak sesekalipun melepaskan tubuh lelaki yang dicintai... lelaki yang tidak pernah jemu menunggu dan menjagaku...

“An... I love you... always... forever...” Dengan itu, nafas terakhir dihembus perlahan. Az pergi untuk selamanya...

“Astraghfirullahalazim...” Mukaku basah dengan tangisan hangat. Hati juga masih menangis. Aku melihat keluar jendela kearah langit hitam... malam dingin membuat hati sedih lebih lara...

Malam itu aku tidur dengan kenangan. Tangisan menjadi teman, bulan menjadi saksi, angin menjadi merdu dan bintang menjadi lagu.

“Eh, nas... kau ni asyik termenung aje... kenapa? Kau rindukan dia ke? Alah... jangan fikirkan lagi. Kau tu tak lama lagi dah jadi isteri orang... takkan kau nak duduk terfikirkan dia aje... cuba gunakan otak sikit.. kalau bakal laki kau tahu macam mana? Kempunan kang kau...” Anita meleteh sepanjangan. Bukan dia tidak tahu yang aku akan bernikah hanya untuk menyatukan silaturahim yang telah lama terputus dek hasutan dengki.

“Aku tak ade papelah... Cuma sakit kepala aje... Dari kelmarin lagi...”

“Betul ke ni? Ntah – ntah kau nervous sangat... yelah kau kan dari dua minggu nak nikah... mesti tengah fikir pasal malam pertama...” Aku tenung dia macam harimau yang lapar. Meluat aku rasa dengan andaiannya. Aku pandag ke luar tingkap. Rangkai kemah berdiri tegak di belakang rumah. Cepatnya masa berlalu...

“Eh, kau tak happy ke?” Aku pandang kearah Anita. Aku tahu dia seakan merasa keperitanku. “Anas, kau harus tabahkan hati. Aku tahu bukan senang untuk kau melupakan Azahar. Tapi kau harus ingat... Kita orang Islam harus terima hakikat qadak dan qadar. Permergiannya harus kau lepasi. Dosa kalau kita mengikat dia dihati. Iman baik orangnya. Aku kenal sangat hatinya. Kau jangan risau, kau tak akan di sia-sia olehnya.”

Ya.. Memang ada benar kata Anita. Iman memang lelaki yang baik. Amat sopan dan tertib orangnya. Penuh hormat sekali. Tapi sayang, aku tak pernah menaruh rasa sayang padanya. Malah aku hana menganggapnya sebagai teman sahaja. Kini semuanya akan berubah.

Ya Allah! Kenapa harus kau duga aku sebergini. Pernah kau mendugaku dengan kepemergian Azahar... Kini, kau menduga aku sekali lagi dengan menjodohkan aku dengan lelaki yang tidak pernah aku cintai...

Astragfirullahalazim... aku beristifar... menginsafi dosa yang aku lakukan tadi.

Kedua tapak tangan dan kaki dihias kemas dengan inai yang di beli di india khas untuk upacara ini. Tersentuh hatiku apabila aku mendapat tahu yang Iman sendiri menjelajah dunia untuk membeli inai ini. Begitu besar pengorbanannya.

“Anas, mama harap Anas akan bahagia dengan Iman. Mulai esok, kamu akan digelar seorang isteri. Jaga tata tertib, jalani tanggung jawabmu sebagai isteri solehah. Jangan lupa dengan hukum agama... “ tangisan hangat jatuh ke tanganku. Aku tahu, pasti mama merasa berat untuk melepaskan aku. Dan dia terlalu inginkan kebahagiaanku. Dan ini, untuknya adalah yang terbaik untuk aku. Ya Allah, aku terima pemberianmu. Aku reda...

Amin...

“Aku terima nikahnya Anastasya Azura Binti Kamari dengan maskawin sembilan ratus sembilan puluh sembilan dolar tunai.”

“Sah”

“Alhamdulillah...”

Aku tersenyum. Hati ini berdebar menunggu Iman masuk kekamar untuk menyarungkan cincin ke jariku...

Sambutan majlis perkahwinan yang diadakan dirumah sederhana, tapi meriah. Bermula dari akad nikah, malam berinai basar dan majlis persandingan. Aku bershukur kepada Ilahi kerana segala-galanya berjalan dengan lancar. Tapi perasaan sedih hinggap di hati ini.

Selepas makan malam, Iman berbual dengan papa dan abang-abangku di ruang tamu. Debar menunggu kedatangannya kepadaku. Aku menghitung detik yang berlalu. Resah aku menanti. Apakah aku sudah bersedia untuk ini? Apakah aku boleh menerima sentuhannya nanti?

“Assalamualaikum...” Mukaku yang cemas aku tenangkan. Dengan perlahan aku mengangkat muka. Ku pamirkan segaris senyuman. Salm diberi aku sambut perlahan.

“Anas, abang nak minta izin baring ditepi. Boleh?” Aku hanya mengangguk. Badanku dibaringkan. Mataku di pejam. “Anas, boleh abang bertanyakan sesuatu?” aku membuka mata dan pandang kemukanya. “Anas dah bersedia?”

Aku mendiamkan diri. Soalan tadi tidak ku jawap. Dia bagai mengerti kesunyianku. “Tak apa. Kita tidur sahaja. Bila Anas dah bersedia, baru abang lakukan” Dia tersenyum. Aku tahu dia cuba menutupkan kekecewaannya.

Setahun berlalu. Kasih sayang yang dicurahkan kepadaku tidak terbalas rasanya. Walaupun aku melakukan semua tanggungjawapku sebagai seorang isteri, tapi belaian nafsu suamiku tidak dapat aku puaskan. Hati ini, badan ini, masih belum lagi dapat memberi kepada suamiku.

Tapi, tidak pernah Iman mengataan apa-apa. Serba salah aku rasa. Aku tahu ku berdosa kerana tidak dapat memberi satu hak kepunyaan suamiku sendiri. Walaupun hati ini semakin hari semakin sayang kepadanya, tapi belum cukup kuatnya untuk aku merelakan segalanya.

“Haish, termenung nampak? Rindukan seseorang ke?”

“Tak ada apa-apa, abang. Anas penat aja. Baru balik dari ofis.” Iman hanya menganggukkan kepalanya menunjukkan pengertian. Kutatap mukanya. Tangannya aku sambut lalu ku cium. “Abang sudah makan? Nak Anas saji?”

“Kita makan diluar aja malan ni.”

Malam itu, aku merasakan kehangatan cinta dan kasihnya pada ku. Dengan situasi yang gelap dan dingin, lilin merah yang dibakar dan keharuman makanan membuat aku rasa begitu senang. Beginilah hidup kami. Walaupun tidak pernah seranjang, kami tetap bahagia. Walaupun aku tahu. Dia masih lagi menunggu.

Menunggu kesedianku.

Pulang ke rumah, aku duduk mengambil angin di balconi. Cahaya bulan mengambang dan bintang-bintang dilangit amat indah. Aku terus melayan angan diarus dengan keheningan malam. Kalaulah aku ini orang lain di keluarga yang lain, tentu dihabisi malam romantik ini dengan suami tersayang.

Aku hanya tersadar apabila pautan lembut tangan Iman di bahuku. Hati menjadi debar. “Bulan mengambang penuh... cantiknya... sama serinya dengah isteri I yang tersayang.” Fikiranku kini terarah pada desah nafasnya yang menggetar kalbuku. Dia bagaikan sedang menggodaku. Hatiku yang sudah sedia disarati rsah semakin tidak keruan.

“Dah lewat malam ni... mari kita masuk tidur,” ajak Iman. Aku terpegun sejenak.aku lantas berjalan mendahuluinya menuju ke bilik lalu terus ke kamar mandi.pintu bilik ku dengar tertutup kuat. Pintu robok baju terbuka tutup juga. Pasti dia sedang bertukar baju. Itulah rutin yang sudah aku lalai setiap malam. Akan dia menukar seluar ke kain pelikat. T-shirtnya di tukar ke singlet putih sulaman halus dibeli di Vietnam.

Aku menolak kepala paip keatas atas dan terus mandi. Biar aku segar nanti. Tapi, malam ini aku merasa cemas. Terbayang dada Iman di mata kepalaku. Tertukar pula kepada matanya yang begitu menyenangkan hati... sedetik itu, aku bernekad. Inilah ketentuan Illahi. Dia suamiku yang sah. Dan kini aku haknya. Tanggungjawapku harus aku lalui.

Dengan pantas aku mengeringkan badan dan mengenakan kain batik dan baju t-shirt yang longgar.langkahku tersusun rapi ke pintu lalu ku buka. Aku menjenguk ke Iman. Matanya tertutup. Tapi aku tahu dia masih terjaga. Aku berlalu dengan perlahan ke katil.

“Abang, dah tidurke?” Iman membuka matanya. Pandangannya membuat hatiku berkocak-kocak. “Anas nak katakan sesuatu. Boleh?” dia hanya tersenyum. “Anas nak minta maaf.”

“Kenapa?”

“Abang masih ingat lagi persolan abang pada malam pertama kita?”

“Soalan apa? Kenapa?”

“Malam ini, Anas nak minta maaf. Sebab tidak dapat melayan abang sebagai isteri yang sempurna. “

“Abang menegerti perasaan Anas. Dahlah. Kita tidur aja.” Aku baringkan diri disebelahnya. Belakangku, mendahuluinya. Samar-samar cahaya purnama menerangi ruang bilik.

Berderau darahku apabila tiba-tiba tangannya melingkari pinggangku. Elusan jari jemarinya semakin meliar menggetarkan naluriku. Jantungku berdegup semakin kencang. Tidak tahu apa yang harus aku lakukan.

Aku berpusing. Mataku bertentangan matanya. “Anas sudi?” aku angguk. Senyuman manis terlukis di mukanya. Aku menutup mataku.

Ya Allah...berikanlah hamba-MU kekuatan. Lepaskanlah aku dari derita ini, rintihku. Aku mghela nafas, menghimpun kekuatan yang masih bersisa. Mengharap agar semangat tertiup ke dalam diri.

Aku biarkan dia melakukan apa saja mengikut kemahuannya. Ternyata, dia amat mengasihi aku. Dah badan ini halal dijamahnya. Dalam tergamam dan dan fikiran yang tidak keruan, aku ikutkan saja rentaknya.

Suaranya dan suaraku aku dengar berpadu dalam desah b=nafas yang berat dan tidak teratur.badan ini dilayan dengan teliti. Keselesaanku terjaga. Walaupun ini perit aku rasakan, tapi keintimannya amat aku amati.

Iman menggemgam erat jari jemariku. “Anas...”

Dalam cahaya yang samar, kutatap mukanya. Pipinya kuusap. Senyuman manis kuhadiahkan kepadanya sebagai tanda ucapan terima kasihku padanya. “Terima kasih, sayang...” bibirnya mendekati bibirku. Lalu dicium dengan penuh cinta. Kini. Sempurnahlah aku sebagai wanita bernama isteri.

“Maaf... sebab malam pertama kita terlalu lewat dari yang sepatutnya...”

Dia meletakan jari-jemarinya dibibirku, sekali gus mematikan kata bicara. “Saat ini... adalah saat yang paling berhagar untuk abang... harap Anas tidak akan melupakannya...” Aku memejamkan mata... Mengucapkan syukur di dalam hati...

Celebrating the New Year with Tears

2009-01-16T04:00:00.000-08:00

Window panes come crashing down
Amidst the tears and pain
Vanishing hopes are gone and flew away
Up above through twilight

Shadows cast across the floor
Reflections of the past
Trembling thoughts of one
Dwelling deep within the soul

A mystical sense of reality
Captured by the craze
All in bewilderment
Of the shock in the wave

Creatures of the dimness
Chattering amongst the green
Everything slows in stillness
What is this we see?
=====================================

I feel you in the morning
When at first I awake
Your thought is with me
With each decision I make

You'd been around forever
Since the first breath I took
Now I have to go on alone
But for love,
I need not look

Cause by what you bestowed
In our short time together
Will last in my heart
Forever and ever

Although you've left
And now walk above
I'm never alone

I'm wrapped in your love
Enjoy now your long waited reward
Feel peace that your love continues on

What was taught to me,
will be taught to mine
Cause you live on in me
even after you've gone
====================================

You took chances
Once too many times.
As a child you thought
"Oh no, never me."

Life is a gift,
Given and taken at some
Unknown time.

Your time came too soon
Your life was over in a flash.

The fun you shared,
The joy you brought,
All just a memory
Behind us.

Celebrating the New Year with lots of tragedy...

2009-01-09T02:52:00.000-08:00

why must life for me so difficult???
why cant i have a simple life like others...

Oh GOd....

Astaghfirullah robbal baroyaa
Astaghfirullah minal khothooya

Ya Illahi Ya Tuhanku
Ampunilah dosa-dosa ku
Aku rindukan kehadiranMu
Sepanjang jalan hayat hidupku
Tiada berharap hanya dariMu

Ya Illahi mohon padaMu
Penuh harapan petunjukMu
Aku tersesat di jalan ini
Tak tau lagi arah kembali
Tuntunlah aku kemana pergi

Ya Illahi Ya Tuhanku
HambaMu ini menujuMu
Jiwa ragaku jadi belenggu
Hanya rahmatMu selamatkanku
Relakan aku dekat padaMu…

Reply to my baby

2008-12-04T18:01:00.000-08:00

Thought i know that i have left you for a long time
I have not forget of you but i have been by your side seen i have gone to a far away place
I have not forget your smile and the days we spend together how i wish that i can turn the time to be with you again .

I know that you have been down for so long yet i wish you all the happiness in the world and i would be looking after you as your guradine angel like your best friend that is there for you.

In my heart you shall forever remain.

2008-11-21T01:45:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here in my room, looking at your picture.
Wondering why you couldn't be a part of my future.
Uncontrollable tears stream down my face,
while my heart beat starts to race.
Asking god why he took you from my life,
it was more painful than stabing me in the heart with a knife.
I still needed you here
you were the one to make everythng so clear.
you are apart of me and I am apart of you
when you died a part of me died too.
I never knew how hard it was to loose someone you love
until the day you went to heaven above.
Even though I can't see,
I know your up there watching over me.
I miss you more and more everyday
and all I can do is pray.
In my heart you shall forever remain.

Remember

2008-11-20T17:48:00.000-08:00

Remember me when I am gone away,

Gone far away into the silent land;

When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day

You tell me of our future that you plann'd;

only remember me; you understand

it will be late to cousel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while.

And afterwards remember, do not grieve:

For if the darkness and corruption leave

A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,

Better by far you should forget and smile

than that you should remember and be sad.

By Christina Georgina Rossetti

1830-1894,b.England

My delight and thy delight

2008-11-20T17:33:00.000-08:00

My delight and thy delight

walking, like two angels white,

In gardens of the night:

My desire and thy desire

Twining to a tongue of fire,

Leaping live and laughing higher:

Thro' the everlasting strife

In the mystery of life.

Love from whom the world begun,

Hath the secret of the sun.

Love can tell, and love alone,

whence the million stars were strewn,

why each atom knows its own,

How, in spite of woe and death,

Gay is life, and sweet is breath:

This he taught us, this we knew,

Happy in his science true,

Hand in hand as we stood

'Neath the shawdows of the wood,

Heart to heart as we lay

in the dawning of the day.

by Robert Bridges

1844-1930 ,b.England

Everlasting Guilt

2008-11-04T02:05:00.001-08:00

I can't seem to find the words
to say just how I feel
The pain is ever growing
since they put you on that hill

I stop by to say I miss you
almost every day
I pray that God above will soon
take this hurt away

I can still see you lying there
among that crumpled heap
I wish that I could close my eyes
and this memory delete

It haunts me every waking hour
and in every wink of sleep
Ever losing grip on sanity
no longer mine to keep

I would give most anything
if I could rewrite history
Cause in my heart I know that you
should be here instead of me

In my cell, my private Hell
locked inside my head
If I hadn't had too much to drink
then you would not be dead

Is Donald Trump Joining A MLM? by Dornessa Harris

2008-10-25T04:48:00.000-07:00

In 1998, audiences of the David Letterman show began to hoot and boo Donald Trump, a guest on the show. He very sternly looked into the audience and said. "That's why I'm sitting up here and you are all sitting out there."

Now, Donald Trump is one of the riches men in the world because he is able to recognize opportunity.

David Letterman asked him the question, “What would you do if you lost everything and had to start over from scratch?”

Without a bit of hesitation, Donald Trump answered, “I would find a good network marketing company and get to work.”

Multilevel Marketing is the fastest and most money efficient tool for making money today. The key to MLM success is acquiring the numbers. Meaning, the more people that one recruits to join, the more money one makes.

It’s just that simple.

Don’t get it twisted.

One must be properly trained when joining MLM companies in order to become successful regardless of what the company promotes. Many people jump into a work from home opportunity without the proper tools in hopes of becoming financially free. Normally, what should be a part-time income stream results in a path to losing more money.

95% of all network marketers fail. It is fact. Most may ask the question, “Why do I hear so many success stories?” It’s simple. The stories that you repeatedly hear are those of the minority, not the majority.

Only 5% of network marketers ever make it to financial freedom. MLM companies promote their success stories all over the world and they are usually the individuals who joined the company in its early days. Companies don’t tell its members that.

MLM Companies fail to mention that the majority of its members are making little to no money at all. And they fail to mention that as in any career, job or position, one must be properly trained. Or they consistently promote products to their members promising success that they know don’t work.

A prime example is Prosperity Automatic Systems or PAS. Representatives consistently marketed products and services to new recruits when they, themselves, knew the products did not work simply because it was money going in their pocket as well as the company.

As with Donald Trump’s television show the “Apprentice,” if he feels that a contestant is incapable of running a corporation, he fires them with his favorite phrase “You’re Fired!” The winner of his show each season is the person who he feels has the ability and training to run a multimillion dollar corporation.

With that being said, why are there so many people joining network marketing programs unprepared? Being able to work at home is truly a desirable option. I say again, if, and only if, one is properly trained.

There are many stay at home moms who desire to become work at home moms as well as others who desire a part time internet business or work from home opportunity.

Don’t get caught in that 95% of individuals who are failing. Get trained.

my last words....

2008-10-14T00:37:00.000-07:00

hidayah,

i know its hard for you...

and i know you know it is even harder for me....

but i believe you believe that it is best for me.

you have always been there for me when my mother died. you always wait for me at home even if was very late and you have class the next day... you always try your best to make my day...

i am sorry.

very sorry.

i was never good to you. especially after mom died. i have always been blaming you for her death. but life in canada have really changed me. when i was there, i have no one to wait for me. to cook for me and to wake me every morning. iron my clothes. make my bed and even prepare my bath.

you were more than just a woman for me. you are my life. my soul.

i was stupid. i should have known better.

i really hope you will get a better guy than me. and i will always pray that the guy will take care of you and fill up your life.

take care of yourself.

I LOVE YOU.

GOOD BYE.

what am i doing?

2008-10-10T02:09:00.000-07:00

today my faci ask me if i am content with what i have. and in the rj, i lied... well 50% of the information is a lie.... i am not contented. and my am is true is just that the statistic in the rj is not true... hahaha... well who give a fucking damn about it right???

well now i am in the train on my way to work... haish so boring so i tot maybe on-ing my video will do but the sound is not as good coz i didnt bring my headset so i have to let it out loud in the train... hahaha... so selfish... WHO CARES!!!!!

yesterday i wen to chong pang to meet zul... we had a very late supper and walk... it was about 1 in the morning and the roads are quite empty.... and we cycled to all over yishun... it was fun... there was about 20 of us... it has been a very long time since i had a long and big group cycling like this. the last time i remembered there was only 9 of us... and azahar was there... ilham was there... imran was there... shazwani, mira, dira, zul, and two other guys from NSS.... we cycled from 11 pm till 5 am... we went to the reservoir near my house and sit there for awhile and go home....

we sent those far away first and zul and azahar sent me last , left their bicycle and took off on their car....

but yesterday, everyone was from yishun so the night was not much tiring... and we went on our own after the cycling.

wel anyways end with it.... now i in train back home.... it is 10 21 on my watch.... well i had a long chat with marieann... lots of sharing... and i shared about me wen i was in sec sch... haha
it was funny wen i think of it... well.. past is past and we have to move on... and next station is mine... so have to knock of... bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

am i doing the right thing?

2008-10-06T20:53:00.000-07:00

yesteday i did not go to school again since i arrived back to singapore late at around 9 am... hahaha late to class so didnt go at all... so went home and sleep and then shazwani called and we went raya-ing all the way till the time for me to go to work... hahaha... damn fun... we manage to go to 9 houses... but no collection as we are so old already... hehehe....

well at work was damn heck... stupid fucking difficult customers.... really sucks.... asking stupid questions... and i only manage to close 2 case... haish....

then after work i met ilham again... well like usual he ask me to follow him to canada.. that damn bloody bastard... hehe... he knew i am still schooling... am i am hating it... well even i hate it i still have to do it...

haish... what should i do???

Reply to my best friend

2008-10-05T19:14:00.000-07:00

I know it's hard for you to forget him. Love is a funny thing when we don't want to remember the person's who are once yours but when you have stay away for a long time that you realise that he is the one for you but is too late for you to chase him.

Like me when i found out that those guys that i have fall for most of them are really my Mr. right but i didn't treasure them only when i have been away from them that i understand that why i have been foolish to break up with them. When i know that everything that they have give me is a precious memories but now i only regard that i have not told them how i feel and talk to them nice and not hiding everything from them.

You are lucky that all your guys understand your feelings and thoughts but me i am different from you that i suffer in pain that i have not been able to find a new love that will treasure me and understand the pain that i am going through.

I have not been in a tip top conditions in my life. On friday, i heard in class that "M" said that there is one person in class don't have a life that can be enjoy .

to jasmine choo hui ming...

2008-10-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

jasmine, i canna accept him back... i mean i have moved on... i cant accept him back... even if come and kneel and begged me for it....

first day of raya

2008-10-01T19:37:00.000-07:00

i hate my first day of raya...

not fun at all

i really hate it man....

well let me tell you the story...

i saw the blog post by ilham and i know it is not going to be fun...
my family went to my aunt's place at around 4.30pm and to make it worse i dont like my dad's side of the family so we all sit one corner.... then we had our meal, but it was not really that nice... coz the person i was looking forward to meet is not they... my cousin, imran... well he is there but did not talk to me... he was occupied by my other cousins... haish.... really sux....

then when we reached home, my contact lens were not in their place... my left eye contact lens was under my lid and i took around an hour trying to take it out.... then this morning, i spend another one our trying to fix it on again... haish.... sux...

well in class today, i found out that there is a UT in the afternoon... tot just wanna skip third meeting.. and watch movie... haish... well... hm.. wat should i do????

ah... decided... go watch movie and skip the lesson and test... yeah!!!! ok... call yasmin out!!! yes!!!

2008-09-29T20:22:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful way of melting a broken heart just like this. Too bad that you have melt the wrong heart to see this. what a sad way of making the wrong heart to think of the past that have not been able to be close to the lover that is so far away from this lonely flower in the gloom valley

the good old days....

2008-09-26T23:36:00.000-07:00

i fell in love with you when i first saw your smile...

i fell in love with you when i first heard you laugh...

i fell in love with yuo when i first saw tyou cry...

i fell in love with you when you first make a glance...

i fell in love with you when you first make mesmile...

i fell in love with you when you first make me laugh...

i fell in love with you when i saw you cook...

i fell in love with you when i saw you dancing in the rain...

i fell in love in you when you first make a blunder...

i fell in love with you even when you are mad...

i fell in love with you when we first hugged each other...

i fell in love with you when we first shared the green tea ice cream...

i fell in love with you when you first fall asleep in my lap...

i fell in love with you every single time i set my eyes on you...

for my love for you, is true and pure...

and i will never let it cool down...

for i know the fire is everlasting, warm and cosy...

making me smile even more....

i am coming back

2008-09-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

hidayah...

i am coming back.. i am coming back again to your arms.... i can't wait!!!

i love you didi!!

i love you so much....

wait for me....

i promise you i am coming back...

and i am going to make sure it's coming true...

17th September 2008

2008-09-16T18:14:00.000-07:00

yesterday i didnt go to school again... i spent most of the time at home but i did get a hold of myself after the great shock about AIG downfalls. well, jasmine cam to my place after her class and we had a long chat... and fun too... after she left i received a call from ashiq to break fast together...

well after asking permission from my dad, i got ready and we went to geylang bazaar to do a little bit of shopping and eating and enjoying... he bought me a new shawl... pinkish purple... cute... but i dont really like the color... well i cant say it to him but its the tot that counts... so i accdepted the gift with all my heart.... i gave him a 5 inch songkok in return...

i really miss shopping for azahar... and i know ashiq miss him too... well life is just too complicated sometimes... my pain subdued everytime i am with him... i don't know why... maybe because i have been spending alot of time with him and i feel a sense of security and peace with him... just like when i was with azahar...

yesterday, i really had a lot of fun... i felt so happy.... this was the first time i had this kind of fun eversince azahar's death... ashiq really have been there for me... i still remember a time when i was really depressed about azahar's death and tried so many time to end my life, ashiq took care of me, he always call me whenever he can to ensure that i am not lonely and i am coping fine... and i know he is not doing it just because he is my doctor, but because i was his friend.. and not many friends do that for you...

email from ilham!!!!!

2008-09-16T17:39:00.000-07:00

this morning when i woke up, i found myself sleeping on the desk again....
and my computer is on....
and there was a new mail....
and it was from ilham....
two good news and three bad news came along with it...
good news:
1. he is coming back for eid mubarak
2. he is going to meet my parents and ask for my hand of marriage.
bad news:
1. he got a job there and will be needed to go back to canada after eid mubarak
2. his dad called him about the company's fund
3. there is a higher possibility that my dad will reject his hand of marriage to me and make me work for him even more!!!!!

well i just hope that after ilham return back to me for eid, i will get peace in me and rest my mind... and also that maybe i still am holding on to this life is due to my longingness of him to come back to me even though the pain is unbearable anymore....

AIG drop......

2008-09-16T17:34:00.003-07:00

oh my god... i cant believe it man.... how can they drop... =oh well... since MAS said its ok, i will just let it be.... anyways, its not my money... hahahaha.... man, i am bad... how can i said that... it belong to ilham... shit.... well i better go meet the mom in case she wonders and acuse me of swindling the money.....

2008-08-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

Hi, this is the 4 day i can't seem to get you? Have you left for your dream job ?
This is not funny i am starting to miss you . The friends that i have last time i broke away from them as i think i am werido who is there to be laugh at and not feel happy and enjoying myself with them.

You are the only best friend that i can count on but now when i am in need of help and just to go out with you i can't get you . I am afraid that i will become a person you will not know in just a few week without being together.

My sunshine where are you ? My life is tough now and i don't know where to go and what to do. I can't return to campus or even see you what am i suppose to do without you in my life.

That spot that you are in is very cold and sad. I feel that you are so far away i can't seem to see or hear you any more.

Please come back to me as soon as possible. The life that i don't want to live at all is that i have no more friends and i am only left with your present and this blog. Which there is no soul and a voice that i hear everyday and the joy of just been with you.

2008-08-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

HAM!!!!

that is not i meant... and i do not want your house.... that is your hard earn money... and promise me if i belongs to someone else, you better not comeback... coz it is gonna hurt me more.... and i will not be able to take it.... so please....

2008-08-10T08:33:00.000-07:00

hi hidayah

ham faham maksud dayah....

no matter what happen, i will still love you... rumah ham yang di ivory heights tu, dayah boleh amik.... take it as if a birthday present for you... rumah tu dah habis bayar... property documents are all with my dad... i have already told my dad everything... tell him and he will give it to you...

thanks for letting me to love you... ham janji.... i will return to you... even if you belong to someone else....

happy birthday....

life...

2008-08-10T07:55:00.000-07:00

things have gone wrong this year... yet another disappointing year.... life is too long for me.. how i wish i can make it short... why do i have to face all this every year....

pls kill me!!!!

thanks ilham

2008-08-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

hi ilham...
thanks for your wish and promises...
but i think you will not be able to keep the promises...
and i know i cant....even if i still loves you not that i dont love you now but maybe in the future i will not be able to love you....

but this song, i wish to tell you how i feel...
i hope you understand what i meant....

I am thinking of you

In my sleepless solitude tonight

If it's wrong to love you

Then my heart just won't let me be right

'Cause I've drowned in you

And I won't pull through

Without you by my side

I'd give my all to have

Just one more night with you

I'd risk my life to feel

Your body next to mine

'cause I can't go on

Living in the memory of our song

I'd give my all for your love tonight

Baby can you feel me

Imagining I'm looking in your eyes

I can see you clearly

Vividly emblazoned in my mind

And yet you're so far

Like a distant star

I'm wishing on tonight

I'd give my all to have

Just one more night with you

I'd risk my life to feel

Your body next to mine

'Cause I can't go on

Living in the memory of our song

I'd give my all for your love tonight

happy advance birthday!!!

2008-08-01T09:36:00.000-07:00

hi hidayah....

happy advance birthday....

19 this year huh????

two more years and complete freedom.... all that you have been wanting ever since your 18th birthday right????

well this year i am nable to celebrate your birthday with you like i had promises....

i am really sorry!!!

i had to leave...

but do bear in mind that i still love you....

dayah, hati ham masih lagi sayangkan dayah... hati ham masih lagi inginkan dayah disisi ham tapi inilah yang terbaik... sebab.... dengan cara ini sahaja ham dapat tenangkan hati ham yang terlalu keruh....

ham janji.. kalau ham dah ok... ham akan kembali untuk dayah... tolong beri ham mase lagi...

sayang ham pada dayah terlalu kuat...

tapi situasi ham di sana amat memberatkan hati ham dan ham tahu yang dayah amat terseksa dengan situasi itu... maafkan ham...

happy birthday to you....
happy birthday to you....
happy birthday to my baby.....
happy birthday to you....

happy 19th birthday....

luv you.....

muahcks.......

2008-07-30T22:56:00.000-07:00

Love is not in the air for both of us. Where is the lover that we are looking for ? Why are guy so cruel to us and why have their have to break our heart and soul .

MY own love is gone... like the wind in the air. Never understand why love can be cruel to me and never to find that love that is there for me. Many time i try to find love i will not be able to see what is round me but only the guy for me.

Hidayah was around me not matter what . Through all my difficult time and sorrow for those guy that i once have . I really miss her , she can't left me now as i would be lonley as she is my only friend that i have with me. Seen we can't be together every day she will be in my heart forever no one else that take that spot in my heart as my best best friend.

She is my sunshine and i am her little flower that she shine down on . without her sun shine i would not have grow to a beautiful flower in the garden of happiness where i would be waiting for her.

thank you taufiq...

2008-07-08T09:06:00.000-07:00

i tot u were different from all those out there.. i tot u would understand.... but i was wrong... u gave me hope.. u gave me dreams so high that i fell hard to reality... what zul said was right... there are rarely a man who can accept me like this... its not that i didnt try to solve it... i tried everything... i tried so many products... so many fragrance... but it didnt help... infact they make it worse...

but atleast i would like to thank you taufiq.. coz at a period of time, you made me happy... you make me feel comfortable around you... you also gave me a new start... even though it was a short period, i really appriciate it... thank you... remeber my promise? that i will never forget you... that i will keep.. not for breaking my heart but for making me happy...

life is really difficult... atleast jasmine understand me... she has been there for me since we were sec one... she is really a true friend.... a great friend... the only one who understand my feelings, my thinking, my worries, my burden, my sadness and all the things that revolve around me...

she was der during my difficult times... my sickness, and my healthy time... my stress and my enjoying time...

thank you jasmine... today we really had a good time... and the last time we had this fun was years ago... we were just too busy for each other... thank you for being there at my crucial period.. i tot i was a goner that time.. but u make me stay strong to fight for another living day tomoro... baby, i am doing this for you... and no one else....

its too good to be true....

2008-07-08T08:59:00.000-07:00

i tot he was different... but when i told him about my body odour, he ignore any communications with me... luckily we did not meet... or it would hurt even more than dis...

my RJ for my MSI p11 today....

2008-07-03T07:51:00.001-07:00

According to Patch Adams, the 'clown' physician, humour is the best 'medicine'. What are your views on this?
Humour, happiness, laughter or anything associates with the feeling of not in trouble of burden of any sorts, is the best medicine... well this is now supported by scientist and proffesionals... one example is actually done by Chris Robert, assistant professor of management in MU’s Robert J. Trulaske, Sr. College of Business, said that humor – particularly joking around about things associated with the job – actually has a positive impact in the workplace. Occasional humor among colleagues, he said, enhances creativity, department cohesiveness and overall performance.
The conclusion was made by examining theories on humor and integrating literature from a wide variety of disciplines that touch on the subject. Several hundred sources were analyzed by Robert and collaborator Wan Yan, a business doctoral student, who have attempted to bring together literature from numerous disciplines to make the case that humor is serious business.
“Humor has a significant impact in organizations,” said Robert, who also teaches psychology in MU’s College of Arts and Science. “Humor isn’t incompatible with goals of the workplace. It’s not incompatible with the organization’s desire to be competitive. In fact, we argue that humor is pretty important. It’s not just clowning around and having fun; it has meaningful impact on cohesiveness in the workplace and communication quality among workers. The ability to appreciate humor, the ability to laugh and make other people laugh actually has physiological effects on the body that cause people to become more bonded.”
and another example is actually held by a professor name Melissa B. Wanzer, EdD, professor of communication studies at Canisius College in Buffalo, NY, has taken it one step further, with her research on how humor helps medical professionals cope with their difficult jobs. She also looked at how humor affects the elderly and how it can increase communication in the workplace and in the classroom.
“If employees view their managers as humor-oriented, they also view them as more effective,” notes Wanzer. “Employees also reported higher job satisfaction when they worked for someone who was more humor-oriented and used humor effectively and appropriately.” Wanzer and her colleagues found that humor is an effective way to cope with on-the-job stress – again, when used appropriately.
Wanzer also recently collaborated on research that found aging adults who used humor more frequently reported greater coping efficacy, which led to greater life satisfaction. This was the third study she conducted, with three different populations, where the conclusion was the same.
so do i... i believe in humor... because in humor it gives hope to you... happiness give you a sense of warmth that not even the sun could give... and laughter it erases all your worries and troubles behind for you are enjoying yourselves.... that is why humor, which brings happiness and laughter, IS the best medicine....

my PP report

2008-07-01T00:54:00.000-07:00

There are many Multi-Level Marketing (MLM) companies in Singapore. Some of the companies are however, a Pyramid Marketing company that requires a higher investment to get monthly returns. Most people in Singapore are still unable to differentiate the difference between a pure MLM and pyramid company.

MLM company participants are to invest their capital in the mode of buying and selling of products. The returns then calculated in the total sales points accumulated from the personal sales and personal group sale required by the individual MLM Company.

However, a pyramid scheme or pyramid system is a non-sustainable business model that involves the exchange of money primarily for enrolling other people into the scheme, usually without any product or service delivered. It is known to come under many guises. Some famous examples including the massive Albanian Pyramid Schemes of 1996 were technically not Pyramid schemes but Ponzi schemes.

Albanian Pyramid Schemes was a crisis faced by the Albanian government in the financial year of 1996 to 197 when at least two-third of the nation had made an investment through the scheme. The political and the social consequences of the collapsed of the pyramid scheme were profound. There were uncontained rioting, fall of the government, resulting descended into anarchy and a near civil war where more than two thousand people are killed.

The Albanian Pyramid Schemes are known as the Ponzi schemes. A Ponzi scheme is a fraudulent investment operation that involves paying abnormally high returns to investors out of the money paid in by subsequent investors, rather than from net revenues generated by any real business. It was name after Charles Ponzi. A man whom was the most influential and top convicted person that created and cause the Albanian 1996 financial crisis.

Pyramid schemes are illegal in many countries, including the United States, the United Kingdom, France, Canada, Malaysia, Norway, Australia, New Zealand, Nepal, Sri Lanka and Iran. These types of schemes have existed for at least a century.
A MLM company otherwise, also known as Network Marketing is a business distribution model that allows a parent multi-level marketing company to market their products directly to consumers by means of relationship referral and direct selling.

Independent unsalaried salespeople of multi-level marketing referred to as distributors (associates, independent business owners, franchise owners, sales consultants, consultants, independent agents, etc.), represent the parent company and are rewarded a commission relative to the volume of product sold through each of their independent businesses (organizations).

Independent distributors develop their organization by either building an active customer base, who buy direct from the parent company and / or by recruiting a down-line of independent distributors who also build a customer base, expanding the overall organization. Additionally, distributors can also earn a profit by retailing products, which they purchased from the parent company at wholesale price.

Distributors earn a commission based on the sales efforts of their organization, which includes their independent sale efforts as well as the leveraged sales efforts of their down-line. This arrangement is similar to franchise arrangements where royalties are paid from the sales of individual franchise operations to the franchisor as well as to an area or region manager. Commissions are then paid to multi-level marketing distributors according to the company’s compensation plan. There can be multiple levels of people receiving royalties from one person's sales.

One company that I will be focusing is a MLM company that I have seen a good opportunity for me to start my business that I have already decided to take path on for my future career and successful earning.

The company that I will concentrate on is ELKEN Sdn Bhd, a company that was set up in Malaysia and have gone globalised throughout ASIA.
Since 1995, ELKEN has been helping millions of people realise their dreams. They have established a network that spans the international arena and they manage their operations professionally in strict accordance with the world-class ISO: 9001 certification.
The extensive ELKEN network represents a mutually beneficial partnership of more than 300,000 enthusiastic independent distributors in seven countries, with more partners joining them every day. Significantly, the amazing ELKEN marketing plan enables a distributor to accrue wealth and health faster than any other.
Through ELKEN, I believe I will have unlimited opportunities to capture a market as big as the world of more than 1,352 million people. The ELKEN network is truly a proven avenue to the lifestyle that we all aspire.
Vision

"Enriching Lives Together"

The name ELKEN is synonymous with innovation, quality and aspiration. ELKEN's vision of a better tomorrow is driven by the aspiration of the distributors and the trust of millions of consumers around the world who use their products every day. They share our dream to live a fuller life. While sharing the rewards of ELKEN's innovative technological advances in health and beauty care, they also provide a rewarding global business opportunity for those who dare to follow their dreams.
As they move forward together with the distributors into the rough uncharted seas of the 21st century, ELKEN's vision is still firmly grounded in their belief that every person can take control of his or her life if he or she is given the right knowledge and opportunity. In addition, such freedom comes from true mental and spiritual growth.
At ELKEN, they believe in knowledge empowerment. Success in the ELKEN business requires the development of skills, and continuous self-improvement and commitment. In the mature market that they operate, more than 2,000 ISO-registered skill enhancement-training sessions and events are conducted every year to unleash the entrepreneurial spirit and full potential in the distributors, who come from diverse strata of society. Access to our training is limited only by the desire to grow. Besides economic independence, ELKEN is able to grant the distributors a sense of self-actualisation.
They also believe in fostering unity in work and life regardless of status, race and belief, thereby creating a truly Global ELKEN Community. Their belief is that unity among ELKENIENS will bring about immense development, growth and prosperity in the most harmonious manner. It has been repeatedly proven that only through team spirit unity we are able to unleash the power of duplication, from individual to individual, network to network and country-to-country, hence making ELKEN a truly global business opportunity for all.
Create the life of abundance, freedom and meaning you have been searching for through ELKEN. Because ELKEN is much more than just product and opportunity. It is a culture and a passion for life.

Mission

"To be a leading global direct-selling organization providing opportunities, quality products, services and knowledge"

Core Values:

Quality
They have high standards and they offer value to their customers by providing them with high quality products, extraordinary service at a fair price. They also define quality by evaluating the ingredients, freshness, safety, taste, nutritive value and appearance of all of the products we carry.
They promise to continually work to enhance the quality of the products and services that they offer through their unceasing commitment to improve the value proposition to our customers and to do it right the first time.
In their pursuit for excellence, they have a passion for continual quality improvement to create new value by aiming high, demonstrating a pioneering spirit, and consistently striving for greater achievements.
Integrity
Integrity is their hallmark of wholeness, personally and professionally. They earn their reputation by adhering to the highest ethical standards and conduct as they work consciously to uphold trustworthiness and business ethics to meet the needs of those we, the distributor, serve.
They place fairness, honesty, and objectivity at the forefront as they assess their own policies, practices, and behaviours to ensure that they make credible the actions taken to enhance quality improvement in both their brand value and promise to all their stakeholders.
Respect
At Elken, they are committed to a diverse workplace that respects and values all of the unique characteristics of their employees, stakeholders and the community they have their operation. They also recognize that diversity is an asset that improves working relationships and productivity.
Respect for each other and warmly embracing these differences is the basis of their collaborative success. They seek to discover the extraordinary in each other to enable them to attract and retain the highest calibre people to meet and surpass corporate goals.
They respect our environment and recycle, reuse, and reduce their waste wherever and whenever they can. Managing with respect is critical to their continued success and to their goal of Becoming the MLM of Choice in this industry.
Passion
Their unique Heart2Heart business philosophy distinguishes them to be the best above the rest. At Elken, they are passionate to provide their employees and stakeholders with high-quality experiences and innovative solutions. They also go to great lengths to satisfy and delight their customers.
With passion in each of their individual heart, they endeavour to serve their customers competently, efficiently and knowledgeably. Being passionate inspire them to constantly create new value for the organization's stakeholders and keep them focused on leading the organization to new dimensions of performance.
Their passion to do well is matched by their desire to do good. They believe the best way to achieve those parallel goals is to harmoniously align their business and global citizenship strategies. They celebrate success and see failures as opportunities for growth while always welcoming change as an opportunity for improvement.
The network
Today, ELKEN has established footholds in various regions at an unprecedented pace, and continues to do so as the rest of the world waits in keen anticipation for ELKEN's arrival. They have firmly established 19 offices in Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, Thailand, Brunei, Hong Kong and India.
ELKEN's network of distributors and stockists is rapidly expanding throughout the Asia Pacific region, forming a strong and efficient web enveloping the entire region.
R&D and Manufacturing
ELKEN’s success and international reputation can be attributed to its world-acclaimed products that reflect the time, effort and financial resources ELKEN has invested in developing them. Further, ELKEN is constantly upgrading and expanding its range of products with the aim of continually improving the lives of consumers.
So committed is ELKEN to product quality that it took a bold step in 1998 to establish Narisia Sdn. Bhd. to manufacture its own Reverse Osmosis technology water treatment system to assure the desired standard of quality. Their system, the Bio Pure R.O. Water Purification System, is a Malaysian initiative using component parts produced by the world’s leading manufacturers – a strategic, synergistic move that has proven to work successfully in the quest for the best quality pure water.
They added another feather to their cap in 2001 with the establishment of their own manufacturing plant, Elepac Sdn Bhd, which compliance to the well-recognised Good Manufacturing Practice (GMP) standard have been granted a manufacturing license by the National Pharmaceutical Council Bureau (BPFK) to be a Traditional Medicines and Over The Counter (OTC) manufacturing site.
Year 2002 marks remarkable milestones as they officially became a member of the American Nutraceutical Association (ANA), received HALAL Certification by Jabatan Kemajuan Islam Malaysia (JAKIM), and were awarded the ISO9001:2000 Certification by TUV-Pfalz Certification Body.
Through their commitment to continual excellence through compliance to international standards, they aim to share the same values and objectives with their members, to whom proven efficacy and safety of health food and dietary supplements are of the highest priority.
These are the certification they have till today:

Milestones of Success
Since commencing business in 1995, ELKEN has chalked up an enviable record of milestones in corporate growth, expansion, manufacturing, research and development, product excellence, people development and distributor success, to name a few aspects. With the support of their loyal customers, distributors, staff and business associates, they are confident of achieving further milestones, not only in the ELKEN business arena, but also in reaching out to people and for the people whose lives have been touched by ELKEN in one way or another.
Some of their significant ELKEN milestones are as follows:
v 1995
Ø Establishment of ELKEN Sdn. Bhd.
v 1997
Ø Earned top ten status among Malaysian Direct Selling Companies, as reported in “Today” magazine
v 1998
Ø Establishment of Narisia Sdn Bhd, a manufacturing arm for production of state-of-the-art Reverse Osmosis (R.O.)
Ø Became the First Direct Selling Company in Malaysia to be accredited ISO 9002 certification
Ø Achieved monthly sales turnover of RM10 million
v 1999
Ø Establishment of ELKEN Indonesia
v 2000
Ø Acquired property for Head Office measuring over 100,000 sq.ft
Ø Establishment of ELKEN Thailand
Ø Establishment of ELKEN Medan
v 2001
Ø Established a GMP Factory
v 2002
Ø Established of ELKEN Hong Kong
Ø Established of ELKEN Hatyai
Ø Established of ELKEN Brunei
Ø Established of ELKEN’s first retail outlet EK One
v 2003
Ø Established of ELKEN India
Ø Top 5 best People Developers
Ø Upgraded ISO9002 to ISO 9001
Ø Listed in Malaysia Book of Records
Ø International Honesty Enterprise Keris Award
Ø Outstanding Entrepreneur Award
v 2004
Ø Honoured as “Largest Blood Donor (Private Sector)”
Ø Asia Pacific e-Entrepreneur Award
Ø 5S Practices Certification
v 2005
Ø Largest Blood Donor in the Private Sector
Ø Re-certification of ISO
Ø Establishment of ELKEN Kuantan
Ø Elken 10th Anniversary
Company’s view in terms of Quality

ELKEN stands for Quality. As a reputable organisation, they are committed to Quality in everything they do and offer their customers, from extraordinary products to exemplary service. Their commitment to Quality goes beyond word-of-mouth advertising. It is backed by the seal of approval and recognition from international authorisation and certification authorities.
As the first Direct Selling Company in Malaysia to be accredited ISO 9002 certification in 1998, ELKEN was also the first to upgrade its system to ISO 9001 in 2003. ELKEN is proud to operate in strict compliance with ISO 9001 standards.
They believe in and practise good Business Governance. ELKEN is proud to be a responsible corporate member of the direct selling industry, and abides by the relevant government regulations and associations' Codes of Conduct governing members' operations and conduct. ELKEN is an active member of the Direct Selling Association of Malaysia (DSAM), the Direct Selling Association of Singapore (DSAS) and the CTFA (Cosmetic Toiletries of Fragrance Association).
Quality in Products

Product quality is one of the competitive edges to ELKEN. Many of ELKEN's products have been conferred prestigious awards by quasi-government bodies and associations; certified by international accreditation organizations; and clinically proven by reputable institutions, some of which are laid out below:
Quality in Service

Their aim at Elken is not to provide a one-time sale but to develop a long-term relationship with customers, to the extent that they become more a partner than a customer. Their customers decide the growth and success of their organisation. This is why they are committed to a Total Customer Satisfaction (TCS) approach.
They want to satisfy customers not just by providing quality products but also quality services. With this in mind, they offer not only occasional gifts, personalised service but also speedy delivery services and an efficient Customer Service Department. In order to understand customers’ needs, they also conduct surveys to constantly improve and meet customer expectations.
In fact, they have established EK One retail outlet, a one-stop shopping centre at their branches. Decked with the latest selections of our products, customers may shop conveniently with product information written in prints or their outlet personnel ready by their side to assist them.
Customers who want to try their beauty products or have a makeover can enjoy an exclusive experience at Elken Beauty Gallery. The spacious Beauty Gallery is furnished with posh sofas, amenities and fitting rooms.
The relationship with customers does not end after a product is sold or the warranty period has expired. They have established a company, Elken Services Sdn Bhd, formerly known as Narisia Sales and Service, to concentrate on attending after-sales services to their customers. Elken services not only installs and repairs R.O. Purification System, but also takes care of the maintenance of the R.O. Purification System that customer bought. Elken Services has a team of dedicated personnel who had have gone through a special training programmed, namely the K-Tech program.
Distributors can log on to ELKEN On-line any time anywhere to check sales volume. The latest updates are just one click away. In addition, ELKEN SMS service will update distributors on their sales volume top-up. The SMS is a crucial assistant to the busy distributor who is always running on tight schedule.
ELKEN’s impeccable customer support facilities are also available for the convenience of their distributors. They offer an exclusive discussion area, tastefully furnished lounge, a training hall and meeting rooms for distributors to conduct recruiting and group discussions. In addition, ELKEN has established an extensive network of branches and stockist centres that provides wide coverage to ensure convenient accessibility to products.
In respect of achieving TCS, They have gone a step further by advocating a World Class Service standard. They assure an extensive and similar standard of service across all cultures, regardless of national boundaries.
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Community Outreach
Ethical and professional business comes with responsibility, and ELKEN is proud to assume its role as a corporate citizen. They aim to help make the world a brighter place for their customers and distributors, their employees, and the communities they operate in. They practise a win-win relationship, and they acknowledge they ultimate success is dependent on the well-being of all groups of people that they interact with. This belief is reflected in the number of charitable activities that ELKEN has undertaken a responsibility they take seriously and which they have chosen to undertake annually.
List of Companies I have joined before I knew ELKEN:
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2) Amway
3) 4Life
4) Sunshine Empire
5) CNI
6) Avon
7) Pharmanex
8) Nu Skin
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However, throughout all my life in the MLM industry, the quality, the opportunity and the benefits that my family and I have received from ELKEN has overcome all the under-satisfaction that we have faced with other company.
Furthermore, I also believe that with the system and technology that ELKEN has will not only improve my financial possibilities but also will help to improve my life physically, internally and externally.

my cousin is coming back to singapore

2008-07-01T00:06:00.000-07:00

oh my god!!! today, my cousin will be ariving to singapore..... welll my family tot of picking him up but too bad... no one is there to pick him coz we are all working and schooling... hahaha.... well, i will be hating him for the next three weeks.... coz he will be staying in my room and i will have to bunk in to my sis room again.... haish.... so bad.... aiyoh.... there goes my teddys and pillows.. ah!!!!!!

i actually like him when we were young....
but all gone.....

some things i have....

2008-06-30T23:31:00.000-07:00

this photos i took when i spent the whole day with daniel at pahlawan beach... well he does not like to take photos... so i cam whore myself..... hahahaha..... welll i love my self......

some of the photos i tookin my toilet after 6 months not taking it... well i have deleted the photos i took in the toilet 6 months ago coz i actually had to reformat my lappie due to a virus.... huhu... well the different between the phots now and then are: i have grown fatter, my hair is longer... it does not look ike a helmet anymore... and most and for all.... my pimples are lesser!!!!! yeah!!!! i have been having outbreaks that make me look like a monstor.... well atleast i like myself now..... oh yeah... the photos i took 6 months ago was taken at Ilham's bathroom... and now.... well it was taken from my parents' bathroom.... two different places...

this is a funny one... its so not english lah!!!!!!

this my favorite... hairspray last part......

well.... i still have not gotten the photos from the young gems events.. welll you can get more photos of me at.... http://jojoparadise.multiply.com/ .... my multiply blog..... more photos and blog entries i think.... hahaha.....

thamrin... is this for real????

2008-06-30T23:24:00.001-07:00

i meet this new guy during a trip to kelantan last week... his name is thamrin... indonesian, 31 aand single. he is a student in UM doing a engineering degree there... he is a nice person... a good companian ever since.... we always chat with each other every night....

this is his photo....

is this for real????

why do these guys keep coming but never stay???

will he the realy one for me????

could it get any worse...

2008-06-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

people say sorrow could bring disaster to you... maybe it is true....
because ever since i had lost azahar, my health had been at worsening states that i myself could not explain and control...
until now...
it gets harder for me to smile in my heart....
truly smile with the warmth of happiness and comfort...

people always see me smile but they did not know...

that my heart bleds in agony...
in pain....
in shame....

my mother once asked...
why did i have to lie to myself???
why am i such a hypocrite???
why do i always make things difficult for myself???
why am i always a burden to others????

and she once said to me....
i am always a liar...
i am a burden to her...
she wished i was never born....
she wished i am never was her daughter...

and my dad....
i am a disgrace to the family...
i monster....
i jinx....

why cant others understand me????
why cat they let me rest in peace???
why do they have to make my life so hard to survive???

jasmine???
she is a friend...
always there when i need her...
but there are times she could help me...

daniel???
i dont know...
he used to be my best friend...
but now???
he dont even care!!!
he got new friends!!!
he have no time for me!!!

azahar???
he left me didnt he???
for good they say....

joseph???
gone too...
never heard from him again...

suhaimi...
a very nice guy...
but he had chosen his own way....
he dont like me...
dont wish to fulfil omah's wish...
said it was rubbish...
there is no need for a union to make the family together again...

so...

i am all alone....

again...

always....

forever...

Nico Claux

2008-06-26T01:01:00.001-07:00

lurking in the graveyards

On Nov. 15, 1994, officers of the Parisian "Brigade Criminelle" arrested 22-year-old Nicolas Claux outside the world famous cabaret Moulin Rouge on suspicion of the murder of Thierry Bissonnier, 34. Bissonnier's October 4 killing was one of a string of homosexual murders, seven of which occurred in October alone. The murder squad's preliminary investigator, Gilbert Thiel, believed that a single killer was responsible and was eager to get Claux back to headquarters for questioning. Claux says that Thiel, veteran of several high-profile cases, was not prepared for the web of murder, cannibalism, and sadistic acts that he had woven in his short lifetime.

The following account includes several narrations by Mr. Claux to provide a better window on a killer's life and crimes. Some of Claux's commentaries, delivered in writing, have been edited, polished, and arranged for a more narrative flow.

Claux: "Following my arrest I was taken back to the Parisian Crime Department for questioning. Unbeknownst to me, crime scene investigators were already in the process of exercising a search warrant on my apartment at 9 Rue Coustou. Inside they found a .22-caliber handgun under my bed, which they immediately sent off for ballistics tests. While they were probably not surprised to have found the pistol, they were almost certainly not prepared for the grisly scene that welcomed them.

"Throughout my apartment, bone fragments and human teeth were scattered about like loose change; vertebras and leg bones hung from the ceiling like morbid mobiles, and hundreds of videocassettes, mostly slasher and hardcore S&M flicks, filled my shelves. One can only imagine what went through the minds of the investigators as they looked around my living quarters. On one wall hung a bullet-riddled target, while across the room sat a TV set with jars of human ashes resting on top of it. Several bondage magazines were piled in a far corner, and nearby my backpack was found, which contained handcuffs, surgical instruments and duct tape. In addition to my tastes and choice of décor, investigators also discovered several stolen blood bags inside of my refrigerator."

WHY???

It did not take long for the ballistic test results to come back, and when confronted with the evidence that the tests were positive, Nico confessed to Bissonnier's murder. Claux claimed that while investigators were happy to have solved a brutal crime, they were understandably concerned with all of the human bones scattered throughout his apartment, and the blood bags, which filled his refrigerator.

Claux: "With little hesitation on my part, I informed them that I had been robbing the graves of several Parisian gothic graveyards and mutilating the mummified remains. When asked the reason why I was storing stolen blood bags inside my refrigerator, I simply answered that I drank the blood on a regular basis. Working as a mortuary assistant for 10 months, I had been using my position as a means to fulfill a lifelong fantasy of mine revolving around cannibalism. When left alone to stitch the bodies after the autopsies, I would cut strips of meat from the ribs and eat them. On some occasions, I would bring pieces of flesh back to my place, where I would cook and eat those pieces as well."

Nico Claux mug shot (Courtesy of Nico Claux)

Upon hearing his confessions, Claux claimed investigators asked, "WHY? Why did you kill? Why did you eat flesh and drink blood? And why did you dig up corpses?" As simple as those questions may seem, the answers were not readily found. Perhaps some clues exist in Nico's past.

Early Obsessions

Nicolas Claux was born on March 22, 1972 in the African nation of Cameroon. Nico's father was a French citizen who worked in a bank and was often sent with his family to foreign countries for long periods of time. While Nico was too young to remember his early years in Cameroon, he does recall the family moving to London around the age of five, and then off to the southern most part of Paris when he was seven, where they remained until he was 12.

Yaounde, Cameroon

Claux: "My childhood was basically normal, except that I was very withdrawn and only had a few friends. I was a lonely child, lacking brothers and sisters to play with, so I spent most of my time alone in my room.

"While my parents were very kind and gave me everything that I needed, I never really felt a strong bond between us. They never hugged me or kissed me, they just let me be on my own most of the time. Eventually I grew emotionally cold. I had difficulties feeling empathy for other people, just indifference most of the time.

"This is the time when I also developed a fascination for death and the occult. I would spend hours reading books on vampires and werewolves. A photo of the statue of the Sumerian demon Pazuzu especially fascinated me. I found it in a book my parents had bought in England. For me, it symbolized something extremely ancient and powerful -- something that I respected. A few years later, I saw the same statue used in the movie Exorcist, and my interest in the occult grew stronger."

Fascination with Death

When Nico was 10, his grandfather died as a result of a cerebral embolism. The two had been arguing at the time and Nico always felt that his family blamed him for the untimely death. This was a very critical moment in his life; one that he claims made him become literally obsessed with physical death. From then on he says that he was fascinated with burial rites, wakes, and the atmosphere of morgues.

At the age of 12, Nico and his parents moved to Lisbon, Portugal, where they remained for four years. While the setting may have changed, Nico's obsessions remained the same. None of his fellow classmates shared his interests and he was once again without friends. His feelings of loneliness became more intense, and he began to feel an utter hatred for everyone around him.

Claux: "When I was 16, we moved back to Paris, where I lived alone with my father. As far back as I can remember I have been obsessed by graveyards. Before long I knew every single cemetery in Paris like the back of my hand. Between 1990 and 1993, I spent the majority of my free time in graveyards. As a botanist studies plants and flowers, I would examine rusty locks and evaluate the weight of cement lids. My favorite things were mausoleums. The most impressive ones can be found at Pere-Lachaise, Montmartre, or Passy cemeteries. I would peek through their windows to see the inside. Some were decorated with furniture, paintings, or statues. It was not long before I began working on a plan to get a much closer view."

Eventually Nico crafted his own lock-picking tools, his favorite being an L-shaped key. If a lock on one of the mausoleums was too rusty to pick, he would use a crowbar, or enter through a window. Once inside, he says he "felt like an emperor reigning in Hell." The place would become his kingdom. Often times he said he would enter a mausoleum during the day, only to resurface at night, when the gates were closed, and he could continue his activities without fear of being discovered.`

Exploring His Kingdom

Père Lachaise cemetery, robbed by Nico Claux

Nico Claux said that over time, simply lurking in graveyards and breaking into mausoleums was not enough to satisfy his desires. His fantasies became sadistic blueprints — tools for fulfilling his new cravings. Whether this change began at this point or years earlier is a matter of speculation, but it is clear that he believed that he had stepped up to an entirely new level.

Within this chapter, the subsequent narrations have been translated from one of many statements that Nico said that he eventually gave to Parisian authorities while in custody.

"I woke up one day feeling this sinister urge to dig up a corpse and mutilate it. I gathered a small crowbar, a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, black candles and a pair of surgical gloves in a backpack. Then I took the subway until the Trocadero station. It was nearly noon. The gates of the Passy Cemetery were wide open, but nobody was inside. The undertakers were out for lunch.

"Passy is a small Gothic graveyard with plenty of huge mausoleums, which were built during the 19th century. It is located right between two large avenues, so it is impossible to climb inside at night. But anyway, nobody could ever imagine that there was someone robbing graves at noon.

"I had this special grave in mind. It was a small mausoleum, the burial site of a family of Russian immigrants from the 1917 revolution. I had already pried open the iron door a few days before, and I had closed it afterwards so it would seem that nobody had ever touched it. All I had to do was kick it open ... At this point, my mind was in total chaos. I had flashes of death in my head. I took a deep breath, and I climbed down the steps leading to the crypt.

"It was a rather small one, with damp walls, buried deep inside the cemetery ground. There was no other source of light than the candles I had brought. To begin, for more than an hour, I removed one of the heavy coffins from its stone casing. It was especially hard not to let the coffin fall all of sudden to the ground, but somehow I managed to slowly lay it down without making too much noise. However, one edge of the coffin scratched my lower leg when it touched the ground. But that didn't stop me at all.

Mausoleum robbed by Nico Claux

"I examined the casket for a while. It was solid oak and sealed with big screws. It looked like brand new, so I expected to find a recently deceased corpse. First, I unscrewed the coffin, which took me less than 10 minutes. Then I pried it open with the crowbar. Once opened, a horrible stench of putrefaction came out of the box. It smelled like Thanatyl, the product embalmers use on a corpse in order to delay the process of decay.

"Then I saw the body inside. It was a half rotten old woman, shrouded in a white sheet, covered with brown stains. Her face seemed to be smeared with oil, but it was simply the death fluids oozing from her skin. The stench was so intense that I nearly fainted. I tried to lift one side of the sheet, but it was glued to her petrified skin. The teeth were protruding from the mouth, but her eyes were gone. I stared into the empty eye sockets, and all of a sudden something broke into my mind. I felt like I was falling into a whirlwind.

"That's when I picked up a screwdriver. The corpse inside the coffin started to move slightly, like if it had guessed what would happen next. So I began to stab the belly, the rib area and the shoulders. I stabbed her at least 50 times. I really can't remember. All I can remember is that when I woke up my forearms were covered with corpse slime."

After violating his first grave, Nico said that he spent the much of his free time searching the cemetery for new graves to desecrate. This is a pattern he said would continue up until the time of his arrest.

A New Career

At 20, Nico joined the military, where he was trained as a gunsmith, cleaning and repaired weapons. But he soon found this lifestyle boring. His only satisfaction came from fantasizing about murder. After serving just a year, Nico moved on and said that he began to consider a career as a mortician.

Claux: "In 1993, the one and only local school for embalming declined my application, so I began working at Saint Vincent-de-Paul Hospital in Paris, a hospital for children. This was the only way I could really do what I wanted for a living and I also found out that it was the best way to be in contact with corpses. I was given the job of a morgue attendant and my first contact with a corpse there was when I assisted the autopsy of a 10-year-old girl. The other attendant showed me how to stitch up her belly, and that was the first time I ever got to touch a fresh corpse. I was amazed by how red and clean her organs were."

Nico did not stay at Saint Vincent-de-Paul for long, and in December 1993, he took a position as a morgue attendant and stretcher-bearer at Saint Joseph Hospital, which is also in Paris. His duties involved helping with autopsies, cleaning up the morgue slabs, and prepping the bodies for wakes. A small chapel was located up the stairs where bereaved relatives could later view the bodies of their loved ones.

St. Joseph Hospital, where Nico Claux worked (Courtesy of Nico Claux)

Fantasy Becomes Reality

Claux: "Most of the autopsies were done by us, the morgue attendants. We would do the Y-shaped incision, cut the ribs at the joints, and open the skull with an electric saw. The pathologist only dissected the organs and put them in a box.

"I would be left alone with the body after the autopsy to do the stitches, which were my specialty. This is when I began eating strips of muscles from the bodies. I always checked out their medical files first. I talked with a butcher once who told me that meat is better three or four days after death. This was something I had always dreamed of doing, and it was the opportunity to do it on a regular basis.

"Sometimes I brought select meats home with me to be cooked, but my preference was to eat them raw. It tasted like tartar steak, or carpaccio. The big muscles of the thighs and back were good, but there was no good meat in the breasts, only fats. People often ask me what went through my mind the first time I indulged my cannibalistic fantasy. Well, to be honest, I said to myself: 'Wow! Now I'm a cannibal. Cool!'"

St. Joseph Hospital morgue (Courtesy of Nico Claux)

Nico's other job at Saint Joseph Hospital involved working in the digestive surgery unit. One of his duties involved delivering the blood bags from the hospital's blood bank to the surgery room. He claimed that it did not take long for him to notice that it was not unusual for bags to be left over and eventually he devised a scheme in which he would rip the sticker off of the unused bag, making it appear to have been opened, and then hide it in his locker.

At the end of his shift, he said that he would transfer the bag to his backpack, take it home, and begin cooling it in his fridge. Once the desired temperature was reached, he would mix the blood with powder proteins, or human ashes, and then drink it. Since there was no plasma within the bags, the blood was extremely thin, which was why he chose to thicken it up.

Inside St. Joseph morgue (Courtesy of Nico Claux)

Fatal Twist

On the morning of Oct. 4, 1994, Nicolas Claux said that he decided it was time to turn another one of his fantasies into reality. This fantasy was a special one to Nico, one that would, in his mind, put him on a far greater level than petty grave robbing and corpse mutilations. He had been waiting for just the right time, and he was finally ready to cross the line, an irreversible step that can change a man forever.

Nico Claux, holding skull in the catacombs (Courtesy of Nico Claux)

Nico spent his morning searching for a victim, any victim -- nothing mattered, not age, race, or sex, he said. He was looking for death, nothing more, and nothing less. By the early afternoon, Nico decided to try his luck on Minitel (an early version of the Internet) and soon began chatting with a man named Thierry about bondage and S&M. After a while the two decided to get together and the man gave Nico the address to his home. Little did Thierry know, sex was the last thing on Nico Claux's mind.

Claux: "Back then it was a common practice in the gay community to meet on Minitel. They would establish contact through this means since it was quick and easy for them. I found out that it was an easy way for me to kill them without any witnesses, plus I had the guarantee of remaining anonymous, since there was no possibility of tracing back the discussions on Minitel.

"So I agreed on meeting Thierry around noon. With me I carried a single shot 22-caliber handgun, which I hid under my jacket. When I arrived at his place, a one-room apartment under the roof of an old building, I knocked on the door and gave him the fake first name that I had given him on Minitel. He opened the door, I stepped inside, quickly turned around while he was closing the door and pulled out the gun.

"I looked at his face just as he turned his head towards me and saw the gun pointed at his eye. After a few awkward moments passed, I pulled the trigger. He instantly fell face down without a word. It was really eerie. It all happened like in slow motion. Then I watched him bleed on the carpet. Soon I decided to see what the apartment was like and wandered around a bit.

"When I returned to where he was lying I observed that he was still moving and making horrible breathing noises on the floor, like if he was breathing through a straw. I reloaded the gun and shot again, this time striking him in the back of the head. I reloaded and fired a few more times, but he was still alive and making noise. I was surprised that he was still holding on, I had expected the first shot to kill him.

"After a few minutes, I went into his kitchen and found some cookies to eat and then sat in a corner of the room and watched him as I ate. When I was finished, I decided to get out of there quickly, so I shot him one last time in the back. I also lifted a huge plant container and smashed it on his head, crushing it some. I then wiped down my fingerprints; picked up his checkbook; a credit card and a wallet (with ID papers); his driving license; an alarm clock, and an answering machine, and finally left the scene."

nvestigation

Thierry Bissonnier's body remained on the floor of his apartment for three days, until his parents, distraught at not being able to get in touch with him, went to his apartment and discovered the grisly scene. Reports on the life Thierry led are rather sketchy. Claux claims that ittle was said in the press following the discovery of Bissonier's body, and during Claux's subsequent trial a "black out" was placed on the press, meaning that no members of the media or public were allowed inside the courtroom.

Claux believes that the family of the victim did not want the life of their relative to be exposed in public, and that there was elements in that case that were too "sensitive" for the general public. Regardless, it is known that the 34-year-old victim was a restaurateur and part-time classical musician, involved in a steady relationship with an older man.

Sketch: Gilbert Thiel, lead investigator (Courtesy of Nico Claux)

One of the first investigators to arrive at the scene was Brigade Criminelle Investigator Gilbert Thiel. As shocking as the murder appeared, it was nothing new to Thiel. The victim was one of many homosexuals murdered every year in Paris, and that month alone there had already been seven others in almost identical circumstances. According to Agence France-Presse, homosexual murders represent about a third of all murders in the Paris. The victims usually have the same profile and similar habits, including a liberal view on sexuality, which incorporates risks as a part of the ultimate pleasure. During the early 1990s, the majority of these encounters started with messages on Minitel.

According to Thierry Bissonnier's autopsy report, the first bullet had entered the eyeball and stopped just short of the brain. The following rounds crushed against the skull, except one, which slightly penetrated the brain. The final shot entered through Bissonnier's back and pierced his heart, causing almost immediate death. Only two questions remained for investigators: who and why?

Captured

Nico Claux might have gotten away with Thierry Bissonnier's murder had he not made a very crucial mistake. In mid-October, Claux attempted to forge one of Bissonnier's bank checks to buy a VCR. When asked for identification, Claux presented the shop clerk with Bissonnier's driver's license, which he had attempted to forge by inserting his own picture. But the scam was quickly noticed when the clerk compared the signatures. Nico Claux took off before the police arrived. Thus the search began.

Claux: "On Nov. 15, 1994, I was arrested in front of the Moulin Rouge cabaret following an altercation with a woman. The police had recognized me from the photograph on Bissonnier's forged driving license and while under custody I confessed to the murder when I was shown the ballistic evidence. Further investigation showed I had been robbing the graves of several Parisian gothic graveyards, stealing the bones, and mutilating the mummified remains. When asked the reason why I was storing stolen blood bags inside my refrigerator, I simply answered that I drank it on a regular basis. I also confessed to being on a very special diet and went on to describe my mortuary job and the cannibalism.

"The murder investigation itself was centered on the motive, and whether or not there was premeditation. Why did I begin to kill? At first, I claimed that the motive was robbery. But the coldly calculated modus operandi I used, as well as the unnecessary overkill, and the careful removal of fingerprints, proved that something far more sinister was involved, thus indicating a clearly senseless, yet premeditated, murder. With the victim being homosexual, investigators at first wondered if there was a sexual component to the case. But there was none. It simply turned out that I was just looking for death. I was soon sent to Fleury-Merogis, a jail south of Paris. Fleury is a remand center, a place where convicts are locked up before their trial. The problem is that you can wait up to three or four years in France before going to court. Then you have to wait one more year until they find you a room in a prison."

Diminished Responsibility

For the next two years, Claux says a court-ordered team of specialized psychiatrists and psychologists examined him. Dozens of tests were made, which in the end, he says, revealed a borderline psychotic personality disorder. In addition, Claux says that the experts also diagnosed him as suffering from necrophilia and sexual sadism. However, they did not detect any psychic or neuropsychic disorders, which could have interfered with his discernment or control of his actions.

Claux: "At one point, Thiel asked for a reconstruction of the murder. I was led to the victim's apartment, where I showed my version of the events. I said that I accidentally fired the first shot, and continued shooting until the victim died. I stuck to this version until the trial.

"The first motive I gave him was robbery, but when I realized that I could benefit from a diminished responsibility plea, I told him that I had an argument with a homosexual in a section of Père Lachaise Cemetery on the morning before the murder, over the fact that it was my territory, and not theirs. So, according to that version, I decided to contact a gay on the Minitel to "scare" him and get my revenge."

Claux claims that explanation pleased the psychiatrists, and they granted him diminished responsibility under Rule 242 alinéa B of the penal code. However, the documents in the case do not confirm this. In December, 1996 Gilbert Thiel closed the preliminary investigation when he decided that there was enough evidence for a trial.

It is interesting to note that in the middle of the preliminary investigation, which lasted nearly two years, Thiel was promoted to the Anti-Terrorist Squad, following the 1995 series of attacks in Paris by Islamic terrorists. While he was no longer required to work on the case, Thiel chose to stay on, and all remaining interrogations took place in his office, the Anti-Terrorist Squad headquarters, at 36, Quai des Orfèvres. Perhaps it was because he believed that Claux was responsible for other similar murders and did not want to lose the opportunity to gather additional evidence.

The Prosecution

Claux's sketch of Judge W. Waechter (Courtesy of Nico Claux)

Nico Claux's trial began on May 9, 1997, at the Cour d'Assises de Paris. The nine-member jury had already been chosen by presiding Judge W. Waechter. Claux's defense lawyer, Irène Terrel, entered a plea of not guilty. The prosecution's opening move was to shock the jury with grisly photographs of the crime scene and of Claux's apartment.

Palais, Courthouse (Courtesy of Nico Claux)

Claux: "The purpose of the photos was to make a parallel between the murder, and the environment where I lived -- the old 'Does fiction influence reality' debate?"

The prosecution charged that Nico had voluntarily killed Bissonnier, and they felt that he had acknowledged that it was premeditated. Following this, they presented the jury with a list of crimes Claux had committed during the act; theft of a check book; credit card; wallet; driving license; alarm clock, and an answering machine. Prosecutors implied that the items were stolen prior to the murder. The prosecution then pointed out the use of the forged license, and the forged check, which included the falsifying of Bissonnier's signature. While all of the above was damning in its own right, the case took a sudden turn when the prosecution attempted to establish that Bissonnier's murder was in fact one in a series, which had taken place in Paris during 1994.

Judgment

Claux: "The prosecution called me a 'death addict' and a 'real-life vampire'. Their theory was that I was a copycat of serial killer Rémy R. ('Le tueur du Minitel Rose'). The main testimony in their 'serial murders' theory came from two of the leading investigators on my case. One of them, Inspector Garcin, testified that even though there was no solid evidence against me, I fitted the psychological profile of a serial murderer. His other claim was that witnesses in bars where other murder victims hung out had previously spotted me there."

Regardless of the prosecution's "serial killer theory," there was simply not enough physical evidence to back it up. Thereafter, the arguments revolved around the murder of Thierry Bissonier. Claux says that several of the experts who had interviewed him over the years took the stand and a long debate began as a variety of diagnoses were presented.

Claux: "Psychosis was established, mostly because of acts of cannibalism that I was accused of having practiced in the morgue where I worked, and acts of mutilation of dead bodies that I had done during grave robberies. Those acts alone were, according to psychiatrists, proof of a total loss of reality. This was completed by the results of the Rorschach tests, which showed an 'inner void' typical of schizophrenia. For them, I could benefit from Rule 242, concerning diminished responsibility, because my medical condition reduced my capacity to control my impulses."

Jurors deliberated for just three hours. Nicolas Claux was found guilty of premeditated murder, armed robbery, fraudulent use of a bank check, falsification of his drivers license photo, and an attempt to defraud the retailer of the video camera. He was then sentenced to 12 years in prison.

Contrary to Claux's version of events, he was never convicted of grave robbery or the theft of bags containing blood.

Nico in Prison

Nico Claux's early prison years were spent in Fleury-Merogis, just south of Paris, where he remained for four years and two months until February 1999, when he was transferred to Maison Centrale Poissy, about 15 miles northwest of Paris. In all, there are six "Maison Centrales" in France, each holding at least 200 inmates. Considered maximum security, Poissy has a reputation among inmates as being the place where they lock up serial killers and terrorists. During his stay there, Claux says that he shared his block with at least six serial killers.

Poissy prison with Claux in exercise yard (Courtesy of Nico Claux)

Claux: "For two years I studied computer programming at the state's expense, but in reality, I spent more time in the gym, paint room and recreation yard than I did in the class rooms. I had started painting in 1997, and soon learned that I had a natural talent. I was also part of the prison's video team, where I learned filming and editing with DV camcorders. We would film concerts, football games, and boxing fights."

When asked by Angry Thoreauan Magazine (yes, there really is a publication by that name) about the emotional experience of eating human flesh, Nico stated that, "It feels like touching the face of God. It makes you feel like you don't belong to the human race anymore."

In an interview with the Great Falls (Mont.) Tribune , Clancy McKenzie, a professor of psychology at Capital University in Washington, D.C., stated that cannibalism is a psychotic behavior, which is almost always related to a previous trauma, often in infancy. McKenzie maintained that during the second half-year of life, when children are weaned from the breast, they fantasize about devouring their mother. In later years, some sort of trauma, especially if suffered at a critical young age, may trigger the regression to this stage of development. When such individuals are eventually arrested, and on rare occasions eventually returned to society, with all its "emotional expression," it makes them all the more likely to repeat the problem behavior. "I shudder when they let people out of institutions and send them back home," McKenzie said.

Dr. Park Dietz, a national expert on criminal psychosis who testified at the Jeffrey Dahmer trial, has a different theory. He said that one should not look too closely at early childhood, as millions of people who suffer childhood trauma never become psychotic criminals. "Another motivation could be a desire to take a life of crime to an ultimate level. Cannibalism is beyond the pale -- the last frontier of being a bad boy," Dietz said.

Nico Claux Hoax?

After serving just seven years and four months of a 12-year sentence, Nicolas Claux was released from prison on March 22, 2002.

Nico Claux after his release (Courtesy of Nico Claux)

What to make of this story?

I'm having some trouble harmonizing Nico's stated bizarre behavior with his coldly rational intellect. Immersing oneself in the putrefying remains of a corpse and eating the flesh of a dead person are at odds with that intellect, which would, at a minimum, be able to appreciate the incredible threat to one's health if that behavior really occurred. Frankly, I'm tempted to view these sensational accounts as either hallucinations or outright fabrications.

The only thing we know for sure was that Nico Claux robbed and killed a man in cold blood and then tried to use one of his victim's checks to buy a video camera. In the actual documents of the case that there is no mention of any grave robbing, necrophilia, vampirism or cannibalism, nor does there appear to be anything in the French media about Claux being anything but a thief and a murderer. One would expect that the French press would have a heyday with the case had there been any real evidence of the perversions that Nico Claux claimed.

Shortly after release from prison, Claux used his prison training in computer programming to create a web site to promote his drawings and painting of famous killers. His stories of grave robbing, cannibalism, etc. got him booked on talk shows, which further boosted his macabre celebrity status.

There is reason to believe that Claux's public image is undergoing some serious re-engineering from the scary portrait of Nico that his own words created in earlier chapters of this feature story. For example, clearly stated on his web site:

"This website is my only official website. The other unnofficial sites you might find online focus on a past that I am now a long way away from. I have worked hard to improve myself through the development of artistic abilities. I cannot erase the past, but my goal is to channel the negativity that I have caused into pure creativity. I do not endorse any other sites than this one. I do not profit from my past, and I do not encourage other people into doing the things that I have done. The spiritual and social prices to pay are far too high."

He says that he will not practice cannibalism again -- which is certainly a plus.

For a period of time, Nico lived in Sweden and England, but he returned to Paris in September, 2004 and lives with his girlfriend in an apartment there. .

Looking at his recent photos from his web site, it appears as though he has settled into a lifestyle that is a kind of campy Goth, filled with artwork and photography about serial killers and the occult. The overriding theme is that he does not appear to be a loner anymore. He has many friends, albeit unusual-looking ones, but friends nevertheless. In reading what Claux says about his childhood lonliness and the inability of his parents to physically demonstrate affection, it appears as though that emotional vacuum has been filled with a number of friends and many acquaintances made through his web site and Internet groups.

He has decorated his body extensively with tatoos and attends fetish, Goth and tattoo conventions.

His celebrity status as the "Vampire of Paris," while it has its downsides as a resume item for conventional positions, provides him opportunities for television and magazine interviews which allows him to travel around Europe and sell his artwork.

He's clearly an intelligent man. I wonder what the next step in his evolution will be -- after he gets bored with his current goth lifestyle. There's no future it being an aging vampire.

Photo Gallery

Courtesy of Nico Claux">

Outside the world famous cabaret, Le Moulin Rouge. Claux was arrested by police here after he attempted to use a victim's check with a forged driver's license.

Courtesy of Nico Claux">

Number 9, Rue Coustou. This was Nico's apartment at the time of his arrest. Upon a warrant search by investigators, the apartment showed many items that shocked them, and helped close several unsolved cases.

Courtesy of Nico Claux">

Nicolas Claux, upon his arrest. He was held for questioning in the murder of 34-year-old Thierry Bissionnier, while police searched his apartment and revealed far more evidence than they wanted.

Jean-Danial Niat">

Part of the cityscape of Yaounde, Cameroon. Nico's father worked for a bank, and was sent to foreign countries along with his family, and Nico was born here.

Courtesy of Nico Claux">

Perelachaise cemetery, one of Claux haunts. Sometimes he would go in broad daylight, with his set of grave-robbing tools, and look for graves to desecrate.

Courtesy of Nico Claux">

Nico Claux poses outside one of the Mausoleums he robbed. France has many such places in cemeteries all over, and can be very elaborate. Claux would break into tombs and take pieces of bodies back to his apartment.

Courtesy of Nico Claux)">

Inside the morgue at St. Joseph's. Claux worked as a morgue attendant, and was left alone with bodies to perform his job, such as sewing up incisions done during autopsy. Claux would sometimes remove pieces and eat them, or take them home for later.

Courtesy of Nico Claux">

Nico Claux poses in catacombs, holding a skull. As a grave robber, Claux would take items from corpses and bring them back home. There, he would display the items in hanging morbid mobiles or shelves.

Courtesy of Nico Claux">

Gilbert Thiel was the lead investigator on the case. He believed that one person was responsible for a string of murders in the area over the month of October, 1994.

Courtesy of Nico Claux">

The Courts at Palais, France, where Claux would be sentenced to 12 years in prison. The jury took just three hours to reach the verdict, and Claux was taken away to serve his time.

Courtesy of Nico Claux">

Part of the evidence used at Claux's trial were his dental records. Bite marks can link a suspect directly to a victim.

Courtesy of Nico Claux">

Judge W. Waechter presided in the Claux trial. He was also responsible for picking the jury. After a plea of not guilty by reason of insanity, the court was shown photographs of the crime scene and Nico's apartment.

Courtesy of Nico Claux">

Maison Centrale Poissy Prison exercise yard, where Claux posed for this picture. Poissy is one of six maximum security prisons in France, which house the most serious of criminals.

Courtesy of Nico Claux">

While in prison, Claux tried his hand at painting to pass the time. He poses here with a picture he painted while in his cell.

Courtesy of Nico Claux">

Nico Claux, after his release from prison. He wears his hair in similar fashion to the actor who plays Vlad in the movie "Bram Stoker's Dracula."

19\6\08

2008-06-19T07:15:00.000-07:00

life is getting more of a cool now... at least the lost of Ilham has not affected me like it had when AZAHAR DIED!!!!

should i give in???

2008-06-13T10:56:00.000-07:00

Zul called me to ask my well being today... oh man i feel so good after crying and leting it out on him.... but the most embarrassing thing is that i actually did that in the train on my way to my Gran's place.... so everyone was like looking and listening to me.... oh man... peally do not know what to do... i malu already...

zul said i should give in and let him do what he got to do....

should i????

i did not meant do it....

2008-06-12T04:47:00.000-07:00

i am really sorry for not telling you the truth... i did not mean to lie to you... all i wanted was to feel loved and cared for even if it was just for a short while... i do not have much time left... i do not have the time to have a serious relationship in the future.. coz i know... i will never make it in time...

i am sorry john... i really did not meant to lie to you....

should i give up???

2008-06-09T17:08:00.000-07:00

i dont know.... should i give up everthing and leave them behind???? i really dont care any more but i do feel abit sick... well in pain to leave all this....

i'm sorry

2008-06-09T17:03:00.000-07:00

i am really sorry...

bukan niat am tuk menyakitkan hati dayah tapi am sayang sama dayah....

cuma am tak sanggup lihat dayah tersiksa lagi....

am akan pulang ke Canada...

maafkan am dayah...

i love you but i am sorry for i have to leave you...

am dah terima surat perjanjiannya....

maafkan am sayang....

alone again

2008-06-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

i am alone once again.....

all the things at his place i have brought home....

and there is no one home....

not a single soul

its ok.,...
i am used to it....

this is life for me....

fated to be alone....

alone once again...

2008-06-08T07:08:00.000-07:00

Things was supposed to be fair for me but I never thought he would take back his words… his promise and his smile away from me… never did I thought he would do this to me… we were brought by fated even though it was arranged and a short period but I know there was a moment of love and care and concern between us… for I believed I loved him…. But now, all are gone and all are now useless for me to look back… once again I am left… all alone….

aHHHHHH

2008-06-04T08:47:00.000-07:00

people say the distance will bring the lover even more closer but to me, distance will only make the gap bigger... and now is the proof.... Ilham just broke up with me today!!!! how could he do this to me!!!! what wrong have i done to him????? i have i done that he do this ???? he said we are not fated to be together!!!! what when wrong???? yesterday, we just only went out together to watch movie and it was fun.... but why????

i loved him... and i am still loving him....

why????

sanggup dier buat dayah macam ni...
sampai hati ilham buat dayah macam ni...
dayah kecewa...

fine.... if this is what he wants... i will give it to him.... i will sign the papers....

good bye ilham....

pictures at kl..... from afidah's hp....

2008-06-03T18:52:00.000-07:00

me and afidah on our way to kl....
act cool....
do we look the same????

30/5/08

2008-05-29T09:56:00.000-07:00

things are getting even more complicated.... i am getting weaker and weaker every day since i have not been taking the pills... i don't want to be dependent on them no more.... but hope seems to be at the peak.... will it break???? i pray it will prevail longer.. even a small glimpse of hope will be sufficient for me to survive...

2008-05-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

Hi , my beautiful Sun

Why are you not shining today ? Your little flower need your bright light to grow....
little flower have not found a home and little flower can't join the sun in the sky . But no matter we are so far away from each other but we will still see each other .

little flower want to find that butterfly with bring my pollents to other flower.

but little flower don't want to left the sun that little flower have call a best friend and don't want to left sun and little flower will not grow strong without sun

28/5/08

2008-05-28T07:28:00.000-07:00

today i don't know why suddenly i kind of miss the guy my parents were trying to fixed my marriage with.... i mean out of sudden he pop out in my head.... so i sms himlah but he did not reply.... then i try to sms the girl he likes but then i guy call me and said that he is the girl's fiance... hm... what happen???? why suddenly this happen??? i thought they love each other????

i am so confuse....

Ilham, he is still the same... he keep ignoring me.... i don't know why too.... i didn't do him wrong... never... not ever since he found out about my illness... if he is ignoring me because of his mother's death...that is damn fucking ridiculous.... i meant she died for a bout a month already la.... and why does he have to keep blaming himself.... it is not his mistake or wrong or he is the cause of her death but it has already been fated by ALLAH S.W.T and there is nothing that he can do...

and Ashiq, he still calling me everyday... reminding me to take my medication on time and never skip my meal.... he really reminds me of Azahar and Zulkenien... but not that obsessive like Azahar though... at least he doesn't call me half an hour before my meal time and medication time and half an hour after my meal and medication time like Azahar used to do when he was still alive....

Zulkenien, he is happy with his wife... and he too keep calling me but not always but once every two to three days ... but his wife... we are quite close now but we always avoid to talk about the past because i know it will hurt her... oh yeah i met her with Zulkenien last saturday, well it was abot awkward actually, when we meet, i kissed Zulkenien on his cheek like i always do when we meet last time... i don't know why but it was like a tradition now.... at first she don't like it but when i do it to her too, she kind of slightly relief i think... and that point of time i was with Ashiq... we went shopping... welll i accompanied him shopping... i have been doing since Azahar died... he used to be his shopping partners.... then the four of us went movie together... we went to watch congkak a thriller by a malaysian director.... quite popular in the malay community world wide but because i have difficulties recalling names, i can't remember what his name is.... dinner was fun.... we ate at indochine restaurant near the victorian theater there.... and then Ashiq sent me home and he straight away drive away to his mother's place....

well now, i am really bored and confuse because of shairi, the guy my parents tried to fix me with, i mean i did not expect to them to break up like this....

the sorrow of love

2008-05-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

The quarrel of the sparrow in the eaves,
The full round moon and the star-laden sky,
And the loud song of the ever-singing leaves,
Had hid away earth's old and weary cry.
And then you came with those red mournful lips,

And with you came the whole of the world's tears,
And all the sorrows of her labouring ships,
And all the burden of her myriad years.
And now the sparrows warring in the eaves,
The curd-pale moon, the white stars in the sky,
And the loud chaunting of the unquiet leaves,
Are shaken with earth's old and weary cry.

the dream

2008-05-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

Love, if I weep it will not matter,
And if you laugh I shall not care;
Foolish am I to think about it,
But it is good to feel you there.

Love, in my sleep I dreamed of waking,
White and awful the moonlight reached
Over the floor, and somewhere, somewhere
There was a shutter loose - it screeched!

Swung in the wind - and no wind blowing -
I was afraid and turned to you,
Put out my hand to you for comfort -
And you were gone! Cold as the dew,

Under my hand the moonlight lay!
Love, if you laugh I shall not care,
But if I weep it will not matter -
Ah, it is good to feel you there!

kak ati's wedding!!!!!

2008-05-24T06:16:00.000-07:00

these are some pictures and a video that i got the chance to take but like from far ah...and like at the side and all.....and the DJ, he is like super handsome and cute.... oh my god!!!! ah!!!!! but i didnt get a chance to take his photos... ah!!! why is he so cute!!! and to make it worse, he is my far away cousin!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

some videos that i have that i love to share.....

2008-05-22T00:07:00.000-07:00

22/5/08

2008-05-21T23:53:00.000-07:00

yesterday i slept over at my friend's place since there was a bachelor party to celebrate her last night before her wedding... we really had a lot of fun.... we had strippers, had wine, had RA movies and the best is a very, very sensitive sharing for all of us since we have not been doing it for a very long time. oh man, she is so lucky.... at least she got the chance to marry the man of her life.... but me??? all alone waiting for the prince riding a white horse to come to my rescue from this painful and awful life....

i had a fight with Zul today.... his wife found my diary in my old room.... it stated all mine, azahar's and his secret that i know.... and he had a fight with his wife because of some secrets that he did not tell him... well actualy after i had a fight with zul, his wife called me... well i call her kak long... meaning, elder sister... kak long ask me if all that i wrote in the diary is true.... i told her the thruth about the diary which is all the information is true.... she cried in the phone.... but i well, i kind of consoled her and talk sense to her... i mean eversince he knows that he is getting married to her, he have changed alot....
he doesnt drink, he doesnt gamble, he doesnt come home late at night....
he also doesnt look at other girls out there... i mean he is a total different person....

oh well i hope everything will go well... i mean they are only just married... not enough time for each other to let lose and understand each other since it is a fix marriage....

photos2

2008-05-19T18:15:00.000-07:00

pictures i take with my work colleagues who are also my school mates...

these are some pictures that i took at the Changi airport terminals.....

photos

2008-05-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

photos i had when i went to johor grand hyatt hotel with somepeople around me

2008-05-12T23:50:00.000-07:00

time has been difficult for me.... they just don't understand.... why????

i know it is hard for him to accept the point that mama is not gonna help him anymore... but god damn it man... he is damn fucking 26 years old lah and he has a stable career and a good position in the company... why does he have to put all that away???? cant he think of all the possibility that might crop up when he does that????

and she also another idiot.... how dare she call me bitch!!! how dare she call me prostitute.. i am never going to forgive her till she apologize to me....

help me....

2008-05-09T00:15:00.000-07:00

things have really gone bad.... i cant think right.. my mind is like blowing off each time i am with other people. i mean i dont feel good around people... i just dont know why.... but at the same time, i feel worse when i am alone.... i feel like wanting to jump of the building or something... and every time i think about it, i feel like a jerk....

and ilham, he is still having a hard time... i mean he is quite close to her, she is his mom...
i miss her too.... and the worse thing is he blame me for it... for telling his mom the truth.. the cause of her death... is it true?? i meant well by telling her the truth.. i never wanted this to happened to her or me...
i love him.... i love him so much... and the more he blames me, the more ithurts me to the core... like what he is telling is the truth to it... and every time i get things to get right, they backfired.....

i dont know what to do anymore.. is all this because of myself or is it just that it happen as a coincidence.... i really dont know....
and i don't want to know...

in memories of my mama..

2008-05-07T23:12:00.001-07:00

i did not want to post her picture because i have to ask permission form her family members.

you were first reluctant to let him go and accepting me
you were first very closed towards me
you had a very hard time to let me embrace your smile....

time goes by and you let me walk
you tried to open your heart for me
you make me do your work for you
that was my happiest moment that i believe you knew

we spend more time for each other
you let me cook for your dinners
you let me bake for your weekends
and you let me entertain your days before it ends....

i was hard for me to let you go...
even now you are in my mind
memories of you will always linger
in my heart my mind and my time

life will be incomplete for me now...
i will miss your dearly
i will miss to cook for you
bake for you
sing with you
gardening with you

mama, even though you are not my mother
you made me feel like your daughter
i enjoyed the love and care you gave me
i enjoyed the time you spent with me

mama, even though you are not here anymore,
i will always remember you
i will always think of you
i will always remembers all the advise from you...

i promise,
i will care for him
i will love him
and i will try my best to understand him....

hope you are happy there....

i love you mama....

selamat pengantin baru!!!!

2008-05-05T04:12:00.000-07:00

selamat pengantin baru zul!!!!!!! hahahahahahahha!!!!!!

oh my god!!!! i cant believe it!!!!! my ever best brother is already married...... a bit sad though.. i wont be able to cling on him i like used to last time.... now he is mr zul... hahahhaa... oh my god... but the saddest thing of all is that his wife, is not his choice... huhuhuhuh.... so sad for him... but the event was really , memorial for me... firstly is because, he told me that he is getting married on the day he is getting married which was yesterday.. and secondy is because even though he does not like the bride he still accept her and thirdly is because, he fainted half and hour he was solemnized..... hahahahaha it was so damn fucking funny man..... and the most mportant thing is that he s now a happy complete man.. i pray for his marriage that it will be for a lifetime and it will be blessed with all the happiness and richness and all the best with many children!!!! hahahaha get that bro!!!!!

OMG IMHA!!!!!!!

OMG IMGTC!!!!!

puisi untuk jiwa

2008-04-30T04:48:00.001-07:00

ku tulis puisi ini umtuk aku tenangkan jiwa....
puisi hati terluas bentang melonggarkan kekusutan di hati....
fikiran semakin tenang....

bulan mengambang mengikut paluan angin....
bintang berkelipat di lantai malam....
awan yang tenang mengikut rentak....

aku masih disini....
menanti untuk keajaiban yang maha kuasa...
menanti hari terakhir....

aku teringat
akan masa lampau
semasa aku masih anak lagi

di masa itu aku jugak menunggu
tapi penungguanku berakhir
dengan jejaka halus budi perketinya
mengambil aku sebagai bunga dihatinya

tapi kini aku sendiri
menanti
bila lagi akan aku merasakan kebehagiaan
cinta dan kasih darinya

adakah aku menipu diriku sendiri?
adakah cinta yang aku fikir ada hanyalah illusi?
adakah dia tidak lagi wujud di alam ini?

entahlah....

mungkin ya....
tapi inikah akhirnya???
berputus asa???

entahlah....

life is getting worse...

2008-04-30T04:42:00.000-07:00

last week, for the whole week i did not go to class.... the pain was so unbearable that i could not get out of the bed.... ilham did call me, but i did not answer coz i put it on silent and i was asleep.... well for the whole week i was not moving out or anywhere... did not have the strength to do it anyway... ashik call and i told him that i cant move... he said he want to come and see me... but i did not allow him because if he comes, then my parents will know all the things i have been hiding from them... they should not know it .... not yet... this is not the right time yet..... and today , i had it again... but not so bad lah... i took the pills and i had a short sleep after that.....

life is unexpected....

2008-04-27T23:37:00.000-07:00

life is so unexpected... i did not know that she was really there... for me... with me.... i did not expect her to stay... but what i know, i am starting to know her.... to like her... i mean she is a good person... maybe i have to let her rest.... i have to...

why did you hid it from me???

2008-04-14T21:13:00.000-07:00

how could you hid it from me??? why did you not tell me about your health??? do you think by hiding things will make things ok... kenape kau tak bilang aku yang kau sakit, sayang???? akan aku jagamu untuk selamanya...

maafkan aku kerana tak pernah memberimu perhatian yang sepenuhnya...

kerana aku takut kau tak dapat menerima aku dalam hidup mu... bukan aku sengaja untuk melukakan hatimu....

15/4/08

2008-04-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

sorry for hurting you... i didn't mean too... but i have too... i know you hate me but there is only one thing ... i love you... i love you more than anything.... you are the one for me but i am not worth you... i am not the kind of person that deserves a beautiful love from you... you deserves more.... please forgive me... pease forget me....

life is getting worse....

2008-04-13T06:03:00.000-07:00

my life is getting worse day by day.... the pain is unbearable... every single day it gets more disturbing than ever.... ashiq told me that maybe the side effects of the spirulina is reacting too strong for me... well maybe... coz i ave been eating it like nobody's business 20 in the morning and another 20 tablets in the night now... ashiq asked me to reduce the dosage... well maybe i better do it... but the good thing is that ashiq told me that the cancerous cell is getting more controlable and smaller...insyaallah if god's willing i will get rid of it soon.... alhamdulillah.....

mama called me this afternoon.... she said ilham called her in the night before... alhamdulillah.... at least he calls his mom.... i felt relieved when she told me that he apologised to his mother.... atleast on one end.. his mother is feeling better....and their relationship is patching up... i dont n=mind if he did ot call me because i have already know that he is safe....

STRESS!!!!!!

2008-04-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

today at work i had a lot of work.. imagine 150 names to call and reconfirm about the receiving of the stupid vouchers and extention of contracts.... and make it worst, david have been avoiding me.... i dont know why.... maybe about the incident at the hostel in january... n i mean the incident that near cost me my life.... ashvin should know... i mean i dont really hide things from her fully because i trust her... she is not like the rest....

had a big fight with ashiq today.... i dont mean that a big fight like scolding and shouting but it was really awful when i think about it.... well we had a cold war between the three of us... me, zul and him... well all because of my suppositely operation that was suppose to take place three weeks ago.... i really dont know what to say.. i told zul that i didnt want to do it purely because i dont find it neccessary.. and ashiq is also backing me up because he knows i am getting better... i a mean litterally better... i dont get the cramps so often anymore... compared to the few months before... and he also said that the tumor cell has already smallen... ALHAMDULILLAH..... i think that supplements that my aunt recommanded to me is really working... well it cost alot too... INSYAALLAH.... al will go well... well... my parents still does not know about the tumor yet.... well they dont need to know... and jasmine.... well she still has her problems....

oh yeah i forgot.... ZUL IS FINE WITH ME NOW..... WE HAD A LONG CLOSURE FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS AND HAVE COME TO THE BEST SOLUTION.... well except for the operation thingy...

hidayah here...

2008-04-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

ok... people are confuse about us... hahaha i get people asking me alot of questions about my blog... well people ... this is a shared blog...

8th march 2008

2008-03-08T06:25:00.000-08:00

today is a wonderful day.... today was really great.. after so long holding on to all my secrets and feelings, i finally manage to let it go.... staying here in the villa really is relaxing... there is really nothing that can be compared to the enjoyment and bliss i had in the villa... umi is really understanding.... she is the only one i can confess and look up to when i am in need for a shoulder... maybe because she also had once gone through a similar fate as mine.... john called me today... but we didn't manage to talk coz i was in a tunnel in the car and the tunnel actually is like damn long coz we have to go through the tunnel to get the other side of the mountain....

I BELIEVE - IL DIVO

2008-02-26T05:52:00.000-08:00

Verse 1

Lonely

The path you have chosen

A restless road

No turning back

One day you

Will find your light again

Don't you know

Don't let go

Be strong

Chorus

Follow your heart

Let your love

lead through the darkness

Back to a place you once knew

I believe, I believe, I believe

In you

Follow your dreams

Be yourself,

an angel of kindness

There's nothing that you can not do

I believe, I believe, I believe

In you.

Celine Dion

Tout seul

Tu t'en iras tout seul

Coeur ouvert

A L'univers

Poursuis ta quête

Sans regarder derrière

N'attends pas

Que le jour

Se leve

Suis ton etoile

Va jusqu'où ton reve t'emporte

Un jour tu le toucheras

Si tu crois si tu crois si tu crois

En toi

Suis la lumière

N'éteins pas la flamme que tu portes

Au fonds de toi souviens-toi

Que je crois que je crois que je crois

Que je crois

En toi

All

Someday I'll find you

Someday you'll find me too

And when I hold you close

I'll know that is true

Follow your heart

Let your love lead through the darkness

Back to a place you once knew

I believe, I believe, I believe in you

Follow your dreams

Be yourself, an angel of kindness

There's nothing that you can not do

I believe, I believe, I believe

In you.

me... i... married...

2008-02-26T05:30:00.000-08:00

married at last.... but not with the man i love... not even with the man i was hoping for... married for his money.... and nothing more... he.. too did not love me... he too.. did not care.... for all he knows... we can make his mother happy... and that is all... a mother's last wish come true... to see her only son get married....

i feel so hypocrite... i feel so guilty.... every time i see his mother i feel so bad.. i feel like i want to cry and weep and drop down in front of her... i feel like pouring all the lies to her and tell her the truth... she is so nice to me....

yesterday, john didnt come home... he did not even call... well actually i wanted to tell him that i want out... i dont care about the money any more... i dont care.. i cant lie to his mother any more... i cannot deceive his mother anymore...

but he was not at home.... i waited all night but he did not return.... i was disappointed... i felt so jealous... i dont know why i felt so angry... i dont care if he sleeps with her.. i mean i married him not because i love him but because i need his money... and the deal is just a 2 years marriage... thats all ....

i really dont know.... i dont know about myself.... i am so confuse.... i cant even read my feelings for a person... for him... i hate him... at the same time i love him... and also i miss him when he is not at home but i dont care... i dont care if he didnt come home... but i feel jealous... i feel jealous that he sleeps with that woman... i am jealous because he didnt care about me anymore... like he used too....

he used to talk to me... have lunch with me... cook breakfast for me... clean the house together... but now.... i dont know what happen...

I WANT OUT!!!! I DONT CARE..... I CANT LIE TO MYSELF ANYMORE!!!!! WHY???? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS O ME??? WHY ARE YOU TOYING WITH MY FEELINGS!!!! WHY ARE SO BLUNT TOWARDS MY FEELINGS NOW!!! WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME???

i am getting weaker day by day...

2007-10-31T23:06:00.000-07:00

i am getting weaker day by day... but at least better than the past few weeks... i have been getting in and out of hospital very often. Ashiq did tell me about it few months ago. it is just that he didn't predict it to be this fast. he said it is getting worse and i am to get treatment as fast as i can... it is not that i don't wish to get treated but it is just that i don't have the means of expenses... the operation is so damn expensive... and... i am scared of needles... but not when i do it to others... hahahahaha... funny rite... i am afraid of needles in me but i am not scared to inject others... well i just feel scared of the pain... and not only that operations means scars.. i hate scars coz i have too many...

zul didnt know the seriousness of it coz i know that if he knows about it then he will never let me stay there anymore... and there is something else he didnt know about me... something that most girls find it not valuable but is to me...

i was sec two at that point of time... oh man... why ashiq!!! why do you have to tell him!!! why do you have to tell him!!! i hate you ashiq!!! i hate you.... you said u will never tell anyone... but why ashiq!!! why didnt you keep your mouth shut???? why did you have to tell him!!! now he is avoiding me... why didnt you tell him the whole thruth... now... i am all alone... i got no one else ashiq!!! no one else!!! no one esle to look for when i am in trouble... not even my family... you knew that didnt you?

i feel so miserable rite now... no matter what i do..i cant seem to put it a side...

i am sorry zul... i didnt mean to hide it from you... it wasnt my fault... i didnt ask for it... and i suffered for it zul... i went thru so much because of it. i hate it zul... i hate myself... i really do... i ddidnt meant to lie to you... i swear... i really swear... i got kicked zul... they put the drugs in my drinks... i was unconcious... i swear... i swear... even azahar knew of it... infact he was there when it happened... he help me out... he took care of me eversince because of it... his friends did it to me... pls... let me explain it to you zul... pls... listen to me... you can ask ashiq wat happen too... he was there too... you know how close he is to azahar rite... he was there too... ashiq was there too...

ashvin, i am sorry but i didnt have the courage to tell him about this... i cant stand to see him disappointed... especially about this... he dont deserve anything to know about this... and i am also sorry for hiding it from you... i am truly sorry.... i trully am...

imran.... i am also sorry... i cause you much hurt... please forgive me...

zul... if you think i dont deserve to be there for you, pls tell me... better still kill me.... because this gap of distance is killing me.... killing me hard.... pls.... pls...pls... i love you zul... i love you as much as i love azahar and rusydin... coz u took care of me when i need someone to support me... but i cant accept you zul... i am sorry... i am not the kind of girl who derserve you... i know you will find some one else... no matter what zul, i will always remember you...

week of of scond semester

2007-10-21T17:45:00.000-07:00

i spent two days in three days of the week in school while the rest in hospital.

well i went to school on monday and tuesday but on tuesday i was admitted into hospital because i fainted in on my way to the hospital to visit my aunt after school.it was quite shocking lah coz i have not been admited to hospital for this reason for a very long time. i didnt know what happen but all i know was i was having difficulties breathing that is all but not to the extend to that i fainted and have to be warded for a few days.

zul took his leave to accompany me in the hospital... so romantic!!! hahaha just kidding... i dont know what to say... he did took off to look after me but romantic??? i dont know but what do you think ashvin... hahaha i know you will laugh at this point right ashvin!!! hahahaha coz i think you are the only one who regularly read my blog...

well when i was in hospital i met my so called old fren coz she was always in the same ward as i when i kena warded... well her fate is much worst than me. she got stomach cancer stage three the last time i met her and this time she just had her third operation... sad sia ... her condition was so bad that every night i can hear her sob... well zul... hahaha got ignored by me coz i spent my time with her... haha so he also HAVE TO LAYAN HER... HAHAHAHAHA...

welcoming eid dul fitri with tears...

2007-10-09T17:25:00.000-07:00

as raya come to a near,my sense of being cheerful at all times...

i spend most of the time at night remembering all the people who left me alone in this world of cruelty... i miss them... alot... especially my twin brother... i miss him so much... and this raya once again are of no value to me... it is useless without them celebrating with me...

i miss my brother so much even it was like so long ago... i lost him when we were 3... it was our birthday party that he died. it was so hard for me... but i know he is near and always look after me even from far...

everytime i feel bad, or feel stress, i always dream of him and azahar... i still remember when i lost azahar in the car accident i dreamt of him saying that azahar still and always love love me... even if azahar can not be with me, he is always with me... in my heart...

azahar... i love him alot... i didnt mean to kill him... i didnt mean to run away like that... i didnt mean to get angry... i swear i love him and i swear i still need him even when i was with rusydin... i still need him by my side... because no one... no one in this world would do that for me... no one in the world will sacrifice and change for me... no one... no one will ask the family to convert to islam and teach islam to the family and teach them the goodness of islam to their family so that he can marry me... no one...

no one can replace him in my heart... no one can give me the sense of safe and secure like when i am with him... no one...

17 september 2007

2007-09-16T18:42:00.000-07:00

alot of things happen during the holiday... i had a chance to meet my aunt in sydney after so long.... i was being proposed as a second wife and my kitchen caught on fire due to faulty electrical appliances...

well lets start from the first day of holiday....

nothing much happen except me spending time with my best friend jasmine and daniel. we went out for lunch and also went for a movie... wat movie? i cant remeber... where? cathay... wat time? 2 pm show...

second day of holiday...

i went to gran's place to spent my time with her while helping her to clean the house. well there i have more peace then staying on my own at home coz over there , there is no one to distrub me... i stayed there till thursday... which means i spent six days there...

then on teachers' day i spent my time with once again my two best friends.... something unexpected happened to me and jasmine... firstly it was jasmine... we were walking home from lunch at our old favourite place near my secondary school.... daniel suddenly pound on jasmine's back ... well i was shocked by his action and we had to stop for awhile and sit down and calm jasmine down... well she was shocked plus excited so it took her awhile to relax herself... then we sent her home then he sent me home, and while walking me home, he took my hand and kissed my forehead and wish me a happly belated birthday.... funny rite.... well i was shocked at first too but then i know that he is doing it out of pure friendship nothing more than that and i noe that he pound on jasmine also out of the feeling of making the surrounding atmosphere fun...
and also the two of us were leaving singapore the very next day... me to sydney while he to berlin to meet his dad there... well he had to... even though he hate him so much... well me, daniel and jasmine has been best friends since sec 1... and he told me all his problem to me and not jasmine because he noe that jasmine cant keep it shut... hahaha... but we trust each other with our life... well i do... and i know jasmine and daniel trust me with their lives too...
the next day i went to sydney and arrive there at around 3 am according to singapore's time(i didnt change the watch for i want to make calls home to talk to my mom and i need to noe wast time it is here... i stayed there for one week...

then last friday, my houise caught on fire... luckily i woke up early to overcome the situation and put down the fire together with zul... i am staying at his place now... actually that house belongs to arwah azahar... it was a present from his dad to us for our engagement present. but then when azahar died i gave it to zul to stay but recently, actually i moved in before the holiday started.... and we have been staying together for quite sometime already... well alhamdulilah nothing much got burn except for my cabinet and some of the things inside it... hahaha... infact that is all... then we got a free paint for the apartment because it is covered in the fire insurence but we didnt get a new cabinet coz it was covered as we didnt apply for any enhancement to cover our personal things... and the two of us have been spending time together cleaning the house together... even now it is not settled yet...

when there was you in me...

2007-08-17T00:27:00.000-07:00

i felt so secured with you in me...
so warm and lovedso full of excitement...
you made me feel so greatnothing like before...
never have i known of this feeling...
but when you left me here...
i felt so naked...
so cold and lonely....
so sick and scared....
tears flow like water from the fall...

when there was you in me...
i never had doubt...
i never had worries...
for i tot you have made me part of you...
a part that you cant bear to leave....
a part that you treasure so much...
a part of you that is everything to you...

but now i regret it...
allowing you to come to me....
making me like a doll...
for your own entertainment...
for your own enjoyment...

the pain i bear i tot you felt it too...
the joy i had i tot you felt it too...
the warmth i felt i tot you will always give...
now i bear alone...

2007-08-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

should i be truthful to myself???

i don noe... maybe it is not the time yet... maybe when i dicided to be truthfull i wont be needing all this rite... because i need this to let go of myself indirectly...

i talked to a fren of mine about this problem and he told me that i should start a new with my life and throw all the past away.. i don noe... maybe he is rite... maybe he is wrong..
i know of who i am... i am ugly, fat, smelly and stupid... an idiot... a big, fat , liar... i lied to myself to make myself happy...

but is it wrong???? is it wrong to make urself happy?

is it wrong for me to not tell others about the true me??? i know it is wrong somehow but i am scared... i am scared to tell the truth.. i am scared that if i become myself people will ignore me more... i am scared to lose my "so called friends" and i am mostly fearing losing the thrust for the people i love to have around me.. especially the person whom i really love but is not there with me... infact never ever been by my true side of me... i am scared to lose rusydin.... i know he is reading this because used his laptop before and i saw all his history and all the sites he went to...

people might say i am mentaly unstable but is that true... i don noe... i really don...people say i should open the true me and open up myself to let others understand me ... the true me...
i then wondered when was the last time i have been truthfull to myself... as i think back... the last timei was being true was before i entered peixin primary school... yeah that was the last time i was been truthfull... because i was scared to face the fact that my way of living have changed... i am no more the samerich girl i used to be when i was young... i was no more the favourite girl in school... i was scared that i will lose my friends that i tot was true to me... that was then i lived a life full of lies to make myself happy...

i still remeber my 12th birthday, i wanted to have a birthday party for myself and invirtes all my friends... but my parents were in a financial state that they cant afford to have the party and told me that they wont have it even they have the money.... so i told myself and all my frens that i will be having my birthday party but in dec... aint i so pathetic???? i don noe what to say anymore.. i really don...

2007-07-22T22:09:00.000-07:00

You ask what is love?

To some love is hurtful,

to others love is cheerful,

some say love is love,

some think love is like a dove,

is beautiful and caring,

some say love is just daring,

love is also like a book,

you can't judge by it's look.

Love is just there,

I think it shows how you care,

it's not there to stare,

love is incredible although it's no edible,

love is what most want they never know it will haunt,

what happens when it's over,

does your heart split in three like a clover,

next time you ask yourself what is love?

Will you think it 's like a glove ready to pull your heart out,

it will make you pout,

love is something hiding it's waiting to attack,

so you better have a comeback.

What is love?

You tell me......

if the world is mine

2007-07-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

if this world were mine

There would be no need for tears

You would never loss a loved one

Pure bliss and happiness through the years

if this`world were mine

Love would overcome all

Someone would be there to pick you up

Before you have the chance to fall

if this world were mine

I would never again feel alone

Instead I would feel the presence of many

Moving to my heart through my soul

well baby I have you

Which means all things will come true

You see this world is mine

Because my world is you

those are the words

2007-07-22T21:54:00.000-07:00

I love you.

Those are the words that open my thoughts, my heart, and my soul.

Those are the words that fill my head, this book, and the hole

That continued to grow with every mistake I made, every person that I lost

Left me with a debt that my mind could not pay, so my heart had to pay the cost.

Those are the words that are my gift, my nepenthe, and my pain.

Those are the words that make me happy, make me crazy, and make me sane.

I love you.

Those are the words that open my thoughts to happiness and sorrow.

The joy of being with you today and fear of losing you tomorrow.

Those are the words that open my heart up to you

To show you how I feel about everything you do.

Those are the words that open my soul and everything inside.

All the feelings that I have and all the pain that I hide.

I love you.

Those are the words that is my gift to you from me.

To bring you lots of joy and make you very happy.

Those are the words that are my nepenthe for past memories

They bring my mind to rest and it slowly starts to ease.

Those are the words that are my pain that slowly eats away

At my mind and soul and makes them start to rot and decay.

I love you.

Those are the words that fill my head with happy thoughts of us.

All the romantic memories and times of love struck lust.

Those are the words that fill this book from the start until the end.

It shows in every page, how much I tried to tend.

And those are the words that fill the hole.

I love you.

Those are the words that make me happy deep within my heart.

When you say them to me, my body starts to warm, each and every part.

Those are the words that make me crazy when I know not what to think.

All my thoughts start to spin and my sound mind starts to sink.

Those are the words that make me sane when my thoughts are crystal clear.

Now I know what to say as I whisper in your ear,

I love you.

i still need you........

2007-07-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

as i walk in the breeze,
i saw myself
all alone............
i look again...
deep into my heart....
looking for something to hold on.....
i saw your face....
smiling at me

it was then i realise........

i need you.........

i thought i could move on with life.....

i was wrong....

i still need you...

to make me laugh again...

to make me dream again....

to make my life more beautiful...

colourful...

full of rythme....

full of love and happiness....

i need you.......

to cares my hair.....

to cares my lips....

to cares my ears......

with loving words........

but now i know..........

it is too late...

for i am going....

and i know you have gone.......

for a better future...........

going with ease........

2007-07-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

Her eyes begin to close
as the tears roll to the floor.
She knows death has pranced into the room for the reason of the kiss.
She hears the moon calling
as the ocean whispers her name.
She lays there,
Her hand slowly begin to grow cold.
She is torn if she should go with them or not into the deep night sky.
She decides to stop fighting them
for she knows
they will not leave without her tonight.
Hearing the calling of her over and over again,
She my now rest her head with ease,
As she dances into the calling of the moon,
And the ocean's soft whispers.