photos

photos i had when i went to johor grand hyatt hotel with somepeople around me

time has been difficult for me.... they just don't understand.... why????



i know it is hard for him to accept the point that mama is not gonna help him anymore... but god damn it man... he is damn fucking 26 years old lah and he has a stable career and a good position in the company... why does he have to put all that away???? cant he think of all the possibility that might crop up when he does that????

and she also another idiot.... how dare she call me bitch!!! how dare she call me prostitute.. i am never going to forgive her till she apologize to me....

help me....

things have really gone bad.... i cant think right.. my mind is like blowing off each time i am with other people. i mean i dont feel good around people... i just dont know why.... but at the same time, i feel worse when i am alone.... i feel like wanting to jump of the building or something... and every time i think about it, i feel like a jerk....

and ilham, he is still having a hard time... i mean he is quite close to her, she is his mom...
i miss her too.... and the worse thing is he blame me for it... for telling his mom the truth.. the cause of her death... is it true?? i meant well by telling her the truth.. i never wanted this to happened to her or me...
i love him.... i love him so much... and the more he blames me, the more ithurts me to the core... like what he is telling is the truth to it... and every time i get things to get right, they backfired.....

i dont know what to do anymore.. is all this because of myself or is it just that it happen as a coincidence.... i really dont know....
and i don't want to know...

in memories of my mama..

i did not want to post her picture because i have to ask permission form her family members.



you were first reluctant to let him go and accepting me
you were first very closed towards me
you had a very hard time to let me embrace your smile....


time goes by and you let me walk
you tried to open your heart for me
you make me do your work for you
that was my happiest moment that i believe you knew

we spend more time for each other
you let me cook for your dinners
you let me bake for your weekends
and you let me entertain your days before it ends....

i was hard for me to let you go...
even now you are in my mind
memories of you will always linger
in my heart my mind and my time

life will be incomplete for me now...
i will miss your dearly
i will miss to cook for you
bake for you
sing with you
gardening with you

mama, even though you are not my mother
you made me feel like your daughter
i enjoyed the love and care you gave me
i enjoyed the time you spent with me

mama, even though you are not here anymore,
i will always remember you
i will always think of you
i will always remembers all the advise from you...

i promise,
i will care for him
i will love him
and i will try my best to understand him....

hope you are happy there....


i love you mama....

selamat pengantin baru!!!!

selamat pengantin baru zul!!!!!!! hahahahahahahha!!!!!!


oh my god!!!! i cant believe it!!!!! my ever best brother is already married...... a bit sad though.. i wont be able to cling on him i like used to last time.... now he is mr zul... hahahhaa... oh my god... but the saddest thing of all is that his wife, is not his choice... huhuhuhuh.... so sad for him... but the event was really , memorial for me... firstly is because, he told me that he is getting married on the day he is getting married which was yesterday.. and secondy is because even though he does not like the bride he still accept her and thirdly is because, he fainted half and hour he was solemnized..... hahahahaha it was so damn fucking funny man..... and the most mportant thing is that he s now a happy complete man.. i pray for his marriage that it will be for a lifetime and it will be blessed with all the happiness and richness and all the best with many children!!!! hahahaha get that bro!!!!!



OMG IMHA!!!!!!!

OMG IMGTC!!!!!

puisi untuk jiwa

ku tulis puisi ini umtuk aku tenangkan jiwa....
puisi hati terluas bentang melonggarkan kekusutan di hati....
fikiran semakin tenang....

bulan mengambang mengikut paluan angin....
bintang berkelipat di lantai malam....
awan yang tenang mengikut rentak....

aku masih disini....
menanti untuk keajaiban yang maha kuasa...
menanti hari terakhir....

aku teringat
akan masa lampau
semasa aku masih anak lagi

di masa itu aku jugak menunggu
tapi penungguanku berakhir
dengan jejaka halus budi perketinya
mengambil aku sebagai bunga dihatinya

tapi kini aku sendiri
menanti
bila lagi akan aku merasakan kebehagiaan
cinta dan kasih darinya

adakah aku menipu diriku sendiri?
adakah cinta yang aku fikir ada hanyalah illusi?
adakah dia tidak lagi wujud di alam ini?

entahlah....

mungkin ya....
tapi inikah akhirnya???
berputus asa???

entahlah....

life is getting worse...

last week, for the whole week i did not go to class.... the pain was so unbearable that i could not get out of the bed.... ilham did call me, but i did not answer coz i put it on silent and i was asleep.... well for the whole week i was not moving out or anywhere... did not have the strength to do it anyway... ashik call and i told him that i cant move... he said he want to come and see me... but i did not allow him because if he comes, then my parents will know all the things i have been hiding from them... they should not know it .... not yet... this is not the right time yet..... and today , i had it again... but not so bad lah... i took the pills and i had a short sleep after that.....

life is unexpected....

life is so unexpected... i did not know that she was really there... for me... with me.... i did not expect her to stay... but what i know, i am starting to know her.... to like her... i mean she is a good person... maybe i have to let her rest.... i have to...

why did you hid it from me???

how could you hid it from me??? why did you not tell me about your health??? do you think by hiding things will make things ok... kenape kau tak bilang aku yang kau sakit, sayang???? akan aku jagamu untuk selamanya...

maafkan aku kerana tak pernah memberimu perhatian yang sepenuhnya...

kerana aku takut kau tak dapat menerima aku dalam hidup mu... bukan aku sengaja untuk melukakan hatimu....

15/4/08

sorry for hurting you... i didn't mean too... but i have too... i know you hate me but there is only one thing ... i love you... i love you more than anything.... you are the one for me but i am not worth you... i am not the kind of person that deserves a beautiful love from you... you deserves more.... please forgive me... pease forget me....