should i be truthful to myself???

i don noe... maybe it is not the time yet... maybe when i dicided to be truthfull i wont be needing all this rite... because i need this to let go of myself indirectly...

i talked to a fren of mine about this problem and he told me that i should start a new with my life and throw all the past away.. i don noe... maybe he is rite... maybe he is wrong..
i know of who i am... i am ugly, fat, smelly and stupid... an idiot... a big, fat , liar... i lied to myself to make myself happy...

but is it wrong???? is it wrong to make urself happy?

is it wrong for me to not tell others about the true me??? i know it is wrong somehow but i am scared... i am scared to tell the truth.. i am scared that if i become myself people will ignore me more... i am scared to lose my "so called friends" and i am mostly fearing losing the thrust for the people i love to have around me.. especially the person whom i really love but is not there with me... infact never ever been by my true side of me... i am scared to lose rusydin.... i know he is reading this because used his laptop before and i saw all his history and all the sites he went to...

people might say i am mentaly unstable but is that true... i don noe... i really don...people say i should open the true me and open up myself to let others understand me ... the true me...
i then wondered when was the last time i have been truthfull to myself... as i think back... the last timei was being true was before i entered peixin primary school... yeah that was the last time i was been truthfull... because i was scared to face the fact that my way of living have changed... i am no more the samerich girl i used to be when i was young... i was no more the favourite girl in school... i was scared that i will lose my friends that i tot was true to me... that was then i lived a life full of lies to make myself happy...

i still remeber my 12th birthday, i wanted to have a birthday party for myself and invirtes all my friends... but my parents were in a financial state that they cant afford to have the party and told me that they wont have it even they have the money.... so i told myself and all my frens that i will be having my birthday party but in dec... aint i so pathetic???? i don noe what to say anymore.. i really don...