i am getting weaker day by day...

i am getting weaker day by day... but at least better than the past few weeks... i have been getting in and out of hospital very often. Ashiq did tell me about it few months ago. it is just that he didn't predict it to be this fast. he said it is getting worse and i am to get treatment as fast as i can... it is not that i don't wish to get treated but it is just that i don't have the means of expenses... the operation is so damn expensive... and... i am scared of needles... but not when i do it to others... hahahahaha... funny rite... i am afraid of needles in me but i am not scared to inject others... well i just feel scared of the pain... and not only that operations means scars.. i hate scars coz i have too many...

zul didnt know the seriousness of it coz i know that if he knows about it then he will never let me stay there anymore... and there is something else he didnt know about me... something that most girls find it not valuable but is to me...

i was sec two at that point of time... oh man... why ashiq!!! why do you have to tell him!!! why do you have to tell him!!! i hate you ashiq!!! i hate you.... you said u will never tell anyone... but why ashiq!!! why didnt you keep your mouth shut???? why did you have to tell him!!! now he is avoiding me... why didnt you tell him the whole thruth... now... i am all alone... i got no one else ashiq!!! no one else!!! no one esle to look for when i am in trouble... not even my family... you knew that didnt you?

i feel so miserable rite now... no matter what i do..i cant seem to put it a side...

i am sorry zul... i didnt mean to hide it from you... it wasnt my fault... i didnt ask for it... and i suffered for it zul... i went thru so much because of it. i hate it zul... i hate myself... i really do... i ddidnt meant to lie to you... i swear... i really swear... i got kicked zul... they put the drugs in my drinks... i was unconcious... i swear... i swear... even azahar knew of it... infact he was there when it happened... he help me out... he took care of me eversince because of it... his friends did it to me... pls... let me explain it to you zul... pls... listen to me... you can ask ashiq wat happen too... he was there too... you know how close he is to azahar rite... he was there too... ashiq was there too...













ashvin, i am sorry but i didnt have the courage to tell him about this... i cant stand to see him disappointed... especially about this... he dont deserve anything to know about this... and i am also sorry for hiding it from you... i am truly sorry.... i trully am...



imran.... i am also sorry... i cause you much hurt... please forgive me...


zul... if you think i dont deserve to be there for you, pls tell me... better still kill me.... because this gap of distance is killing me.... killing me hard.... pls.... pls...pls... i love you zul... i love you as much as i love azahar and rusydin... coz u took care of me when i need someone to support me... but i cant accept you zul... i am sorry... i am not the kind of girl who derserve you... i know you will find some one else... no matter what zul, i will always remember you...

week of of scond semester

i spent two days in three days of the week in school while the rest in hospital.

well i went to school on monday and tuesday but on tuesday i was admitted into hospital because i fainted in on my way to the hospital to visit my aunt after school.it was quite shocking lah coz i have not been admited to hospital for this reason for a very long time. i didnt know what happen but all i know was i was having difficulties breathing that is all but not to the extend to that i fainted and have to be warded for a few days.

zul took his leave to accompany me in the hospital... so romantic!!! hahaha just kidding... i dont know what to say... he did took off to look after me but romantic??? i dont know but what do you think ashvin... hahaha i know you will laugh at this point right ashvin!!! hahahaha coz i think you are the only one who regularly read my blog...

well when i was in hospital i met my so called old fren coz she was always in the same ward as i when i kena warded... well her fate is much worst than me. she got stomach cancer stage three the last time i met her and this time she just had her third operation... sad sia ... her condition was so bad that every night i can hear her sob... well zul... hahaha got ignored by me coz i spent my time with her... haha so he also HAVE TO LAYAN HER... HAHAHAHAHA...

welcoming eid dul fitri with tears...

as raya come to a near,my sense of being cheerful at all times...

i spend most of the time at night remembering all the people who left me alone in this world of cruelty... i miss them... alot... especially my twin brother... i miss him so much... and this raya once again are of no value to me... it is useless without them celebrating with me...

i miss my brother so much even it was like so long ago... i lost him when we were 3... it was our birthday party that he died. it was so hard for me... but i know he is near and always look after me even from far...

everytime i feel bad, or feel stress, i always dream of him and azahar... i still remember when i lost azahar in the car accident i dreamt of him saying that azahar still and always love love me... even if azahar can not be with me, he is always with me... in my heart...

azahar... i love him alot... i didnt mean to kill him... i didnt mean to run away like that... i didnt mean to get angry... i swear i love him and i swear i still need him even when i was with rusydin... i still need him by my side... because no one... no one in this world would do that for me... no one in the world will sacrifice and change for me... no one... no one will ask the family to convert to islam and teach islam to the family and teach them the goodness of islam to their family so that he can marry me... no one...

no one can replace him in my heart... no one can give me the sense of safe and secure like when i am with him... no one...