me... i... married...

married at last.... but not with the man i love... not even with the man i was hoping for... married for his money.... and nothing more... he.. too did not love me... he too.. did not care.... for all he knows... we can make his mother happy... and that is all... a mother's last wish come true... to see her only son get married....

i feel so hypocrite... i feel so guilty.... every time i see his mother i feel so bad.. i feel like i want to cry and weep and drop down in front of her... i feel like pouring all the lies to her and tell her the truth... she is so nice to me....

yesterday, john didnt come home... he did not even call... well actually i wanted to tell him that i want out... i dont care about the money any more... i dont care.. i cant lie to his mother any more... i cannot deceive his mother anymore...

but he was not at home.... i waited all night but he did not return.... i was disappointed... i felt so jealous... i dont know why i felt so angry... i dont care if he sleeps with her.. i mean i married him not because i love him but because i need his money... and the deal is just a 2 years marriage... thats all ....

i really dont know.... i dont know about myself.... i am so confuse.... i cant even read my feelings for a person... for him... i hate him... at the same time i love him... and also i miss him when he is not at home but i dont care... i dont care if he didnt come home... but i feel jealous... i feel jealous that he sleeps with that woman... i am jealous because he didnt care about me anymore... like he used too....

he used to talk to me... have lunch with me... cook breakfast for me... clean the house together... but now.... i dont know what happen...

I WANT OUT!!!! I DONT CARE..... I CANT LIE TO MYSELF ANYMORE!!!!! WHY???? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS O ME??? WHY ARE YOU TOYING WITH MY FEELINGS!!!! WHY ARE SO BLUNT TOWARDS MY FEELINGS NOW!!! WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME???