puisi untuk jiwa

ku tulis puisi ini umtuk aku tenangkan jiwa....
puisi hati terluas bentang melonggarkan kekusutan di hati....
fikiran semakin tenang....

bulan mengambang mengikut paluan angin....
bintang berkelipat di lantai malam....
awan yang tenang mengikut rentak....

aku masih disini....
menanti untuk keajaiban yang maha kuasa...
menanti hari terakhir....

aku teringat
akan masa lampau
semasa aku masih anak lagi

di masa itu aku jugak menunggu
tapi penungguanku berakhir
dengan jejaka halus budi perketinya
mengambil aku sebagai bunga dihatinya

tapi kini aku sendiri
menanti
bila lagi akan aku merasakan kebehagiaan
cinta dan kasih darinya

adakah aku menipu diriku sendiri?
adakah cinta yang aku fikir ada hanyalah illusi?
adakah dia tidak lagi wujud di alam ini?

entahlah....

mungkin ya....
tapi inikah akhirnya???
berputus asa???

entahlah....

life is getting worse...

last week, for the whole week i did not go to class.... the pain was so unbearable that i could not get out of the bed.... ilham did call me, but i did not answer coz i put it on silent and i was asleep.... well for the whole week i was not moving out or anywhere... did not have the strength to do it anyway... ashik call and i told him that i cant move... he said he want to come and see me... but i did not allow him because if he comes, then my parents will know all the things i have been hiding from them... they should not know it .... not yet... this is not the right time yet..... and today , i had it again... but not so bad lah... i took the pills and i had a short sleep after that.....

life is unexpected....

life is so unexpected... i did not know that she was really there... for me... with me.... i did not expect her to stay... but what i know, i am starting to know her.... to like her... i mean she is a good person... maybe i have to let her rest.... i have to...

why did you hid it from me???

how could you hid it from me??? why did you not tell me about your health??? do you think by hiding things will make things ok... kenape kau tak bilang aku yang kau sakit, sayang???? akan aku jagamu untuk selamanya...

maafkan aku kerana tak pernah memberimu perhatian yang sepenuhnya...

kerana aku takut kau tak dapat menerima aku dalam hidup mu... bukan aku sengaja untuk melukakan hatimu....

15/4/08

sorry for hurting you... i didn't mean too... but i have too... i know you hate me but there is only one thing ... i love you... i love you more than anything.... you are the one for me but i am not worth you... i am not the kind of person that deserves a beautiful love from you... you deserves more.... please forgive me... pease forget me....

life is getting worse....

my life is getting worse day by day.... the pain is unbearable... every single day it gets more disturbing than ever.... ashiq told me that maybe the side effects of the spirulina is reacting too strong for me... well maybe... coz i ave been eating it like nobody's business 20 in the morning and another 20 tablets in the night now... ashiq asked me to reduce the dosage... well maybe i better do it... but the good thing is that ashiq told me that the cancerous cell is getting more controlable and smaller...insyaallah if god's willing i will get rid of it soon.... alhamdulillah.....


mama called me this afternoon.... she said ilham called her in the night before... alhamdulillah.... at least he calls his mom.... i felt relieved when she told me that he apologised to his mother.... atleast on one end.. his mother is feeling better....and their relationship is patching up... i dont n=mind if he did ot call me because i have already know that he is safe....

STRESS!!!!!!

today at work i had a lot of work.. imagine 150 names to call and reconfirm about the receiving of the stupid vouchers and extention of contracts.... and make it worst, david have been avoiding me.... i dont know why.... maybe about the incident at the hostel in january... n i mean the incident that near cost me my life.... ashvin should know... i mean i dont really hide things from her fully because i trust her... she is not like the rest....


had a big fight with ashiq today.... i dont mean that a big fight like scolding and shouting but it was really awful when i think about it.... well we had a cold war between the three of us... me, zul and him... well all because of my suppositely operation that was suppose to take place three weeks ago.... i really dont know what to say.. i told zul that i didnt want to do it purely because i dont find it neccessary.. and ashiq is also backing me up because he knows i am getting better... i a mean litterally better... i dont get the cramps so often anymore... compared to the few months before... and he also said that the tumor cell has already smallen... ALHAMDULILLAH..... i think that supplements that my aunt recommanded to me is really working... well it cost alot too... INSYAALLAH.... al will go well... well... my parents still does not know about the tumor yet.... well they dont need to know... and jasmine.... well she still has her problems....

oh yeah i forgot.... ZUL IS FINE WITH ME NOW..... WE HAD A LONG CLOSURE FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS AND HAVE COME TO THE BEST SOLUTION.... well except for the operation thingy...

hidayah here...

ok... people are confuse about us... hahaha i get people asking me alot of questions about my blog... well people ... this is a shared blog...