30/5/08

things are getting even more complicated.... i am getting weaker and weaker every day since i have not been taking the pills... i don't want to be dependent on them no more.... but hope seems to be at the peak.... will it break???? i pray it will prevail longer.. even a small glimpse of hope will be sufficient for me to survive...

Hi , my beautiful Sun

Why are you not shining today ? Your little flower need your bright light to grow....
little flower have not found a home and little flower can't join the sun in the sky . But no matter we are so far away from each other but we will still see each other .

little flower want to find that butterfly with bring my pollents to other flower.

but little flower don't want to left the sun that little flower have call a best friend and don't want to left sun and little flower will not grow strong without sun

28/5/08

today i don't know why suddenly i kind of miss the guy my parents were trying to fixed my marriage with.... i mean out of sudden he pop out in my head.... so i sms himlah but he did not reply.... then i try to sms the girl he likes but then i guy call me and said that he is the girl's fiance... hm... what happen???? why suddenly this happen??? i thought they love each other????

i am so confuse....

Ilham, he is still the same... he keep ignoring me.... i don't know why too.... i didn't do him wrong... never... not ever since he found out about my illness... if he is ignoring me because of his mother's death...that is damn fucking ridiculous.... i meant she died for a bout a month already la.... and why does he have to keep blaming himself.... it is not his mistake or wrong or he is the cause of her death but it has already been fated by ALLAH S.W.T and there is nothing that he can do...

and Ashiq, he still calling me everyday... reminding me to take my medication on time and never skip my meal.... he really reminds me of Azahar and Zulkenien... but not that obsessive like Azahar though... at least he doesn't call me half an hour before my meal time and medication time and half an hour after my meal and medication time like Azahar used to do when he was still alive....

Zulkenien, he is happy with his wife... and he too keep calling me but not always but once every two to three days ... but his wife... we are quite close now but we always avoid to talk about the past because i know it will hurt her... oh yeah i met her with Zulkenien last saturday, well it was abot awkward actually, when we meet, i kissed Zulkenien on his cheek like i always do when we meet last time... i don't know why but it was like a tradition now.... at first she don't like it but when i do it to her too, she kind of slightly relief i think... and that point of time i was with Ashiq... we went shopping... welll i accompanied him shopping... i have been doing since Azahar died... he used to be his shopping partners.... then the four of us went movie together... we went to watch congkak a thriller by a malaysian director.... quite popular in the malay community world wide but because i have difficulties recalling names, i can't remember what his name is.... dinner was fun.... we ate at indochine restaurant near the victorian theater there.... and then Ashiq sent me home and he straight away drive away to his mother's place....

well now, i am really bored and confuse because of shairi, the guy my parents tried to fix me with, i mean i did not expect to them to break up like this....

the sorrow of love

The quarrel of the sparrow in the eaves,
The full round moon and the star-laden sky,
And the loud song of the ever-singing leaves,
Had hid away earth's old and weary cry.
And then you came with those red mournful lips,

And with you came the whole of the world's tears,
And all the sorrows of her labouring ships,
And all the burden of her myriad years.
And now the sparrows warring in the eaves,
The curd-pale moon, the white stars in the sky,
And the loud chaunting of the unquiet leaves,
Are shaken with earth's old and weary cry.

the dream

Love, if I weep it will not matter,
And if you laugh I shall not care;
Foolish am I to think about it,
But it is good to feel you there.

Love, in my sleep I dreamed of waking,
White and awful the moonlight reached
Over the floor, and somewhere, somewhere
There was a shutter loose - it screeched!

Swung in the wind - and no wind blowing -
I was afraid and turned to you,
Put out my hand to you for comfort -
And you were gone! Cold as the dew,

Under my hand the moonlight lay!
Love, if you laugh I shall not care,
But if I weep it will not matter -
Ah, it is good to feel you there!

kak ati's wedding!!!!!

these are some pictures and a video that i got the chance to take but like from far ah...and like at the side and all.....and the DJ, he is like super handsome and cute.... oh my god!!!! ah!!!!! but i didnt get a chance to take his photos... ah!!! why is he so cute!!! and to make it worse, he is my far away cousin!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

some videos that i have that i love to share.....

22/5/08

yesterday i slept over at my friend's place since there was a bachelor party to celebrate her last night before her wedding... we really had a lot of fun.... we had strippers, had wine, had RA movies and the best is a very, very sensitive sharing for all of us since we have not been doing it for a very long time. oh man, she is so lucky.... at least she got the chance to marry the man of her life.... but me??? all alone waiting for the prince riding a white horse to come to my rescue from this painful and awful life....

i had a fight with Zul today.... his wife found my diary in my old room.... it stated all mine, azahar's and his secret that i know.... and he had a fight with his wife because of some secrets that he did not tell him... well actualy after i had a fight with zul, his wife called me... well i call her kak long... meaning, elder sister... kak long ask me if all that i wrote in the diary is true.... i told her the thruth about the diary which is all the information is true.... she cried in the phone.... but i well, i kind of consoled her and talk sense to her... i mean eversince he knows that he is getting married to her, he have changed alot....
he doesnt drink, he doesnt gamble, he doesnt come home late at night....
he also doesnt look at other girls out there... i mean he is a total different person....


oh well i hope everything will go well... i mean they are only just married... not enough time for each other to let lose and understand each other since it is a fix marriage....

photos2

pictures i take with my work colleagues who are also my school mates...

these are some pictures that i took at the Changi airport terminals.....