what wrong with you.... right now i am in crying....
Don't scare me you know very well that if you leave me now i don't know if i have the strength to continue with my life too.

many peers of mine know that i am crazy and i want to prove them that i am emotional sick but i can't seem to make any new friends at all. I have left them for you and now this ...

i can't handle it all on my own and this week is the 2 of QING MING and you are tell me this.

you know that i have nothing to talk to da ge and now do you know that it hurts me so deep that yesterday i went out of campus 1 30 mins early of lesson end just to think of what would i do if i have lose you...

i really don't know and there are many thing that we have not done together

comin to an end...

people always log in to blogs and so forth to express their feelings, to share the experience or even just for communicating for all purpose.

i have been using this blog for so long that every time i look into my past life, it hurt so much... so today, i have decided....

this has to end...

everything have to end...

so i am closing this blog... not totally... just that it will not be used as a form of expressing, communication nor others....

it will remain open for someone to view... someone very important to me...

but they wont be anymore post from me...

to jasmine...

sorry babes... i did not inform you of this... but i promise you... i will always visit your blog from now on... till my last breath... coz u are a part of me tat i can no longer hold on to... atleast, this way, i can know that you are there thinking of me...

a test i took.... the result... question: how open are you?

Your profile

You use modesty as a means of maintaining your privacy

Being modest, for you, is a mark of respect: respect for yourself and your inner thoughts, but also respect for other people. You know there are certain things you could share with others, but that other things should never be revealed, even to those closest to you. You are also careful when you choose your friends and confidantes. With your observant and discreet personality you need to know someone very well before you feel relaxed sharing with them. You need time before you will confide in them or be able to talk to them honestly. You have a healthy attitude to the things that should remain private and the things that should be public knowledge. This means that you hardly ever say too much and then regret it later and it also means that you have your own private space that you know how to protect. Keep going the way you are and things will be fine.

this morning major breakout at home with mom... haish.... i hate to stay at home... coz every time i at home, world war always break out... so after boiling the eggs, i rush to the bathrom and bath and get ready to get out of the house!!! yeah... now i am in the school lib... atleast here i can relax my mind and do my work properly.... and the best part of it is... there is no one to scold me... to lecture me... and to remind me of things... haa.... stress free...

yesterday i submited a part of my novel writing to Penulisan2u... its my first novel writing though... then after that i had a light supper... if i am not wrong, 2 slice of wheat bread and a big mug of hot milo.. haaaa... it was heaven... and the best part is, after my late shower before bed, i felt sleepy and had a good rest... it was about 1.30 in the morning if i am not wrong...

then, this morning my dad woke me up at about 9 am. before he go to work... then he asked me to boil eggs for him to eat for lunch... i was preety tired so i was like sleeping on the sofa in the living room... then my mom started shouting.. asking me to boil the eggs quick and all... i ust ignored her... i was so tired... and my dad will only return at 1!!! so whats the damn rush??? well i continued sleeping... then she shouted.... "If you dont clean the dishes and boil the eggs, i am gonna trow all the dirty dishes in your room, throw all the eggs away and burn all your thing in the room!!!" then only my damn bitchy sis wake up from her room and rush to the kitchen... and i... i keep sleeping on the sofa... coz this is not the first time she threatens like that... and i am so used to it, i dont give damn for it anymore...

so now... you know why i had a war early in the morning... well i woke up after awhile and boil the eggs, about 15 pieces, took a long shower... slowly cleaning myself, then ironed my clothes and tudung and quickly get ready to go out..." Hidayah! bring in all the dry laundries... i want to hang the newly washed ones..." well that i manage to do without any remarks or comment.. so while i was quietly doing my job outside at the balcony, my neighbour opened her front gate and said " Dah masak???" means cook already... then i just replied... dah cik lin.. masak lemak cili api aje... means, yes... eggs cooked in coconut milk and cili api... then she goes.. oh.... well at that part, i already bundled all the dried laundries down and picked it up and went inside... then i took my laptop bag and rush out.. even before my mom could say anything... Alhamdulillah.. at least the first part of the day is gone...

LOL....

now... i have to get back to work and do my research...

Bye...

FYP MEETING SUX!!!!!

today i had to meet my fyp group to discuss on the project scope... it really sux lah.. initially we were supposed to meet at wld lib but mA changed the place to RP lib without telling me lah... wen she arrive already then she told me.... sux rite... then i have to pay for bus fare... haish... wat to do...

then meet already..cant realy come up with the scope... skeleton yes... flesh and muscle no.. stress seh... then... tomoro meeting canceled... that is good lah but nuisance rite.... really sux man today....

To: Babe

The 2 poems or songs make me cry. this is the tough period for me as it's soon have class test and after that i will have my final exam.

Sorry i have not been contacting both of you for sometime and i don't want to stress both of you anymore abt my life and i have been very busy add the same time i bust my hp bill again.

now waiting for the time to pass so i can go to class for the subject that i am weak in. Sharon have not been coming to class again but i know that he will have t0 repeat this year + he still have 2 more remodule subject to do.

I don't know is this call longing to be his side or just one side relatioship? I am confuses and don't know what to do?

Lost Love

I loved you more than
I have ever known
Those starry eyes
Those tender lips
You made my heart melt
Then boil into a roaring fire
I now know

What my eyes could not see
You are the only one that is for me
Many nights those tears flew
Being myself without anyone
Anyone to care about the thoughts
Looking at the sky and knowing
Many mistakes I had
Many mistakes I have had

Good Bye

I don't really want to say goodbye
I don't really want to leave you
But now I have to go away
Stay away from you forever

What we had was something special
Deep down from our hearts
But now I have to go away
And leave you from my heart

i had just only ended my first recital for the many years of abandonment... hehe... oklah... managed to finish five surah without many difficulties... yeah!!!! my mom... she still having a hard time to know each syllables.... ish ish ish.... but atleast... she is giving all her bestto do it.. job job everyone!!!

and now, it has been a month since i have my own hp... since mine spoilt... i have to borrow from my family occasionally... aaron said he wants to lend me is sony ericson hp but til now there is no news... haish...

i hate my life!!!!!!

to jasmine...

hey babes....

relax ar... at least you can see eric even if you guys didnt talk to each other... me... i can even see my guy.... huhuhu i miss fariz.... huhuhuh.... since i have not been working... we dont really communicate much.... well since my hp is spoilt, so we dont communicate at all.... this is more stressing...

To my best friend

It's a difficult period for all 3 of us. Da ge was complaining to me yesterday abt his duty. Sorry i was mean yesterday as i really can't waste the chance of the some of money invest in me. Thought of change course but now I can't as my dad don't want to invest any more money in me.

This is an important year for me as if I fail this term I can't forget of getting into degree and my future is bleak and I will be the only one in the family that have the last place in the education level.

I saw eric wit his friends last fri in my school bypass at the canteen both of us saw each other but we didn't said hi, I was mad wit myself that why must I meet him now when there is no way I can be wit him and seen we are both in different level and course when he maybe in his final year or term 2 . But now I am lost again why this heaven so cruel to me why can't they show me a path that will let me to happiness and freedom of knowledge and love relationships.

just to be pure and be a silly little girl again

day by day my pain is getting worse. my called ashiq today... told him that i need more of the pan killer and that he will pass it to me on tuesday when i go to school... well atleast i thing i can stand it for two more days...

oh yeah... i got fired from my woek place... they asked me to quit coz of my attandence.. ismadi said i should sit back and relax and stay home and recuperate.... haish.. this means i will be staying home al day getting lectured by my parents and all... i really hate it lah... so i am looking for job desperately so that i can get out of this damn bloody house... coz if i dont, i will die of stress... depression...

i'll try to hold on...

living in lies
covering with smiles
faces made perfect
feelings fake through

the heart is yearning
the head is spinning
the body is weakening
the faith is fading

oh why...
cant i hold on...

oh why...
what's going on...

oh why...
its so hard to move on...

lying on the bed
massaging my head
trying to think
what i should do

to have it gone
so that i can move on
living my life
like the wild amazon...

oh why...

oh why...
cant i hold on...

oh why...
what's going on...

oh why...
its so hard to move on...

i have to let go
even if it takes time...
as long as the sun shines
i'll try to hold on...

yesterday our family outing was at east coast beach... it was fun actually... mamat wanted to play "red indian village" or in malay rumah dayak... its a catching game... but we were lacking of players.. since i had my medication before we went out, so i didnt join the game.. the ones playing were fida, mamat, kak ckin and abg abas... 4 people... imagine that!!!! HOW PATHETICALLY LAME!!!!

well we had lots of fun and that is important... after the beach, we went to IMM for shopping... its oklah... coz i wasnt really enjoying musch as i was having my stomach cramp... i didnt tell my parents though coz i know that they don give a damn for it... so well the day passed by and we all went home...

i still have yet to take my spec from the optical which i ordered about 2 weeks ago...coz the money i already spent on my medication the other day at SGH... haish.. this month. if i calculated correctly... i spent about $320 just on medication.. this is sick rite!!!!!!! if my dad found out about it... i am so dead...

well.... fariz asked me what happened till i had to go to SGH... so i told him the truth... wellfariz is the only one i am very open with other than aaron and jasmine... he is so understanding.... but 90% of the time... he is damn fucking annoying... but what to do.. we cant change anything right.. its his personality... i still dont know why i like him... he is nice in a manner but the other... he is a devil child i tell you.... huh.... so irritating!!!!

well now i am at home in my room typing away.... i am supposed to work but i wanted to take off for this week... coz i still am not feeling well and i got no more cash to go to hospital or clinics to take mc again...

haish... why is life so unfair....