i am getting weaker day by day...

i am getting weaker day by day... but at least better than the past few weeks... i have been getting in and out of hospital very often. Ashiq did tell me about it few months ago. it is just that he didn't predict it to be this fast. he said it is getting worse and i am to get treatment as fast as i can... it is not that i don't wish to get treated but it is just that i don't have the means of expenses... the operation is so damn expensive... and... i am scared of needles... but not when i do it to others... hahahahaha... funny rite... i am afraid of needles in me but i am not scared to inject others... well i just feel scared of the pain... and not only that operations means scars.. i hate scars coz i have too many...

zul didnt know the seriousness of it coz i know that if he knows about it then he will never let me stay there anymore... and there is something else he didnt know about me... something that most girls find it not valuable but is to me...

i was sec two at that point of time... oh man... why ashiq!!! why do you have to tell him!!! why do you have to tell him!!! i hate you ashiq!!! i hate you.... you said u will never tell anyone... but why ashiq!!! why didnt you keep your mouth shut???? why did you have to tell him!!! now he is avoiding me... why didnt you tell him the whole thruth... now... i am all alone... i got no one else ashiq!!! no one else!!! no one esle to look for when i am in trouble... not even my family... you knew that didnt you?

i feel so miserable rite now... no matter what i do..i cant seem to put it a side...

i am sorry zul... i didnt mean to hide it from you... it wasnt my fault... i didnt ask for it... and i suffered for it zul... i went thru so much because of it. i hate it zul... i hate myself... i really do... i ddidnt meant to lie to you... i swear... i really swear... i got kicked zul... they put the drugs in my drinks... i was unconcious... i swear... i swear... even azahar knew of it... infact he was there when it happened... he help me out... he took care of me eversince because of it... his friends did it to me... pls... let me explain it to you zul... pls... listen to me... you can ask ashiq wat happen too... he was there too... you know how close he is to azahar rite... he was there too... ashiq was there too...













ashvin, i am sorry but i didnt have the courage to tell him about this... i cant stand to see him disappointed... especially about this... he dont deserve anything to know about this... and i am also sorry for hiding it from you... i am truly sorry.... i trully am...



imran.... i am also sorry... i cause you much hurt... please forgive me...


zul... if you think i dont deserve to be there for you, pls tell me... better still kill me.... because this gap of distance is killing me.... killing me hard.... pls.... pls...pls... i love you zul... i love you as much as i love azahar and rusydin... coz u took care of me when i need someone to support me... but i cant accept you zul... i am sorry... i am not the kind of girl who derserve you... i know you will find some one else... no matter what zul, i will always remember you...

week of of scond semester

i spent two days in three days of the week in school while the rest in hospital.

well i went to school on monday and tuesday but on tuesday i was admitted into hospital because i fainted in on my way to the hospital to visit my aunt after school.it was quite shocking lah coz i have not been admited to hospital for this reason for a very long time. i didnt know what happen but all i know was i was having difficulties breathing that is all but not to the extend to that i fainted and have to be warded for a few days.

zul took his leave to accompany me in the hospital... so romantic!!! hahaha just kidding... i dont know what to say... he did took off to look after me but romantic??? i dont know but what do you think ashvin... hahaha i know you will laugh at this point right ashvin!!! hahahaha coz i think you are the only one who regularly read my blog...

well when i was in hospital i met my so called old fren coz she was always in the same ward as i when i kena warded... well her fate is much worst than me. she got stomach cancer stage three the last time i met her and this time she just had her third operation... sad sia ... her condition was so bad that every night i can hear her sob... well zul... hahaha got ignored by me coz i spent my time with her... haha so he also HAVE TO LAYAN HER... HAHAHAHAHA...

welcoming eid dul fitri with tears...

as raya come to a near,my sense of being cheerful at all times...

i spend most of the time at night remembering all the people who left me alone in this world of cruelty... i miss them... alot... especially my twin brother... i miss him so much... and this raya once again are of no value to me... it is useless without them celebrating with me...

i miss my brother so much even it was like so long ago... i lost him when we were 3... it was our birthday party that he died. it was so hard for me... but i know he is near and always look after me even from far...

everytime i feel bad, or feel stress, i always dream of him and azahar... i still remember when i lost azahar in the car accident i dreamt of him saying that azahar still and always love love me... even if azahar can not be with me, he is always with me... in my heart...

azahar... i love him alot... i didnt mean to kill him... i didnt mean to run away like that... i didnt mean to get angry... i swear i love him and i swear i still need him even when i was with rusydin... i still need him by my side... because no one... no one in this world would do that for me... no one in the world will sacrifice and change for me... no one... no one will ask the family to convert to islam and teach islam to the family and teach them the goodness of islam to their family so that he can marry me... no one...

no one can replace him in my heart... no one can give me the sense of safe and secure like when i am with him... no one...

17 september 2007

alot of things happen during the holiday... i had a chance to meet my aunt in sydney after so long.... i was being proposed as a second wife and my kitchen caught on fire due to faulty electrical appliances...


well lets start from the first day of holiday....

nothing much happen except me spending time with my best friend jasmine and daniel. we went out for lunch and also went for a movie... wat movie? i cant remeber... where? cathay... wat time? 2 pm show...

second day of holiday...

i went to gran's place to spent my time with her while helping her to clean the house. well there i have more peace then staying on my own at home coz over there , there is no one to distrub me... i stayed there till thursday... which means i spent six days there...

then on teachers' day i spent my time with once again my two best friends.... something unexpected happened to me and jasmine... firstly it was jasmine... we were walking home from lunch at our old favourite place near my secondary school.... daniel suddenly pound on jasmine's back ... well i was shocked by his action and we had to stop for awhile and sit down and calm jasmine down... well she was shocked plus excited so it took her awhile to relax herself... then we sent her home then he sent me home, and while walking me home, he took my hand and kissed my forehead and wish me a happly belated birthday.... funny rite.... well i was shocked at first too but then i know that he is doing it out of pure friendship nothing more than that and i noe that he pound on jasmine also out of the feeling of making the surrounding atmosphere fun...
and also the two of us were leaving singapore the very next day... me to sydney while he to berlin to meet his dad there... well he had to... even though he hate him so much... well me, daniel and jasmine has been best friends since sec 1... and he told me all his problem to me and not jasmine because he noe that jasmine cant keep it shut... hahaha... but we trust each other with our life... well i do... and i know jasmine and daniel trust me with their lives too...
the next day i went to sydney and arrive there at around 3 am according to singapore's time(i didnt change the watch for i want to make calls home to talk to my mom and i need to noe wast time it is here... i stayed there for one week...

then last friday, my houise caught on fire... luckily i woke up early to overcome the situation and put down the fire together with zul... i am staying at his place now... actually that house belongs to arwah azahar... it was a present from his dad to us for our engagement present. but then when azahar died i gave it to zul to stay but recently, actually i moved in before the holiday started.... and we have been staying together for quite sometime already... well alhamdulilah nothing much got burn except for my cabinet and some of the things inside it... hahaha... infact that is all... then we got a free paint for the apartment because it is covered in the fire insurence but we didnt get a new cabinet coz it was covered as we didnt apply for any enhancement to cover our personal things... and the two of us have been spending time together cleaning the house together... even now it is not settled yet...

when there was you in me...

i felt so secured with you in me...
so warm and lovedso full of excitement...
you made me feel so greatnothing like before...
never have i known of this feeling...
but when you left me here...
i felt so naked...
so cold and lonely....
so sick and scared....
tears flow like water from the fall...

when there was you in me...
i never had doubt...
i never had worries...
for i tot you have made me part of you...
a part that you cant bear to leave....
a part that you treasure so much...
a part of you that is everything to you...

but now i regret it...
allowing you to come to me....
making me like a doll...
for your own entertainment...
for your own enjoyment...

the pain i bear i tot you felt it too...
the joy i had i tot you felt it too...
the warmth i felt i tot you will always give...
now i bear alone...

should i be truthful to myself???

i don noe... maybe it is not the time yet... maybe when i dicided to be truthfull i wont be needing all this rite... because i need this to let go of myself indirectly...

i talked to a fren of mine about this problem and he told me that i should start a new with my life and throw all the past away.. i don noe... maybe he is rite... maybe he is wrong..
i know of who i am... i am ugly, fat, smelly and stupid... an idiot... a big, fat , liar... i lied to myself to make myself happy...

but is it wrong???? is it wrong to make urself happy?

is it wrong for me to not tell others about the true me??? i know it is wrong somehow but i am scared... i am scared to tell the truth.. i am scared that if i become myself people will ignore me more... i am scared to lose my "so called friends" and i am mostly fearing losing the thrust for the people i love to have around me.. especially the person whom i really love but is not there with me... infact never ever been by my true side of me... i am scared to lose rusydin.... i know he is reading this because used his laptop before and i saw all his history and all the sites he went to...

people might say i am mentaly unstable but is that true... i don noe... i really don...people say i should open the true me and open up myself to let others understand me ... the true me...
i then wondered when was the last time i have been truthfull to myself... as i think back... the last timei was being true was before i entered peixin primary school... yeah that was the last time i was been truthfull... because i was scared to face the fact that my way of living have changed... i am no more the samerich girl i used to be when i was young... i was no more the favourite girl in school... i was scared that i will lose my friends that i tot was true to me... that was then i lived a life full of lies to make myself happy...

i still remeber my 12th birthday, i wanted to have a birthday party for myself and invirtes all my friends... but my parents were in a financial state that they cant afford to have the party and told me that they wont have it even they have the money.... so i told myself and all my frens that i will be having my birthday party but in dec... aint i so pathetic???? i don noe what to say anymore.. i really don...

You ask what is love?

To some love is hurtful,

to others love is cheerful,

some say love is love,

some think love is like a dove,

is beautiful and caring,

some say love is just daring,

love is also like a book,

you can't judge by it's look.

Love is just there,

I think it shows how you care,

it's not there to stare,

love is incredible although it's no edible,

love is what most want they never know it will haunt,

what happens when it's over,

does your heart split in three like a clover,

next time you ask yourself what is love?

Will you think it 's like a glove ready to pull your heart out,

it will make you pout,

love is something hiding it's waiting to attack,

so you better have a comeback.

What is love?

You tell me......

if the world is mine

if this world were mine

There would be no need for tears

You would never loss a loved one

Pure bliss and happiness through the years

if this`world were mine

Love would overcome all

Someone would be there to pick you up

Before you have the chance to fall

if this world were mine

I would never again feel alone

Instead I would feel the presence of many

Moving to my heart through my soul

well baby I have you

Which means all things will come true

You see this world is mine

Because my world is you

those are the words

I love you.

Those are the words that open my thoughts, my heart, and my soul.

Those are the words that fill my head, this book, and the hole

That continued to grow with every mistake I made, every person that I lost

Left me with a debt that my mind could not pay, so my heart had to pay the cost.

Those are the words that are my gift, my nepenthe, and my pain.

Those are the words that make me happy, make me crazy, and make me sane.

I love you.

Those are the words that open my thoughts to happiness and sorrow.

The joy of being with you today and fear of losing you tomorrow.

Those are the words that open my heart up to you

To show you how I feel about everything you do.

Those are the words that open my soul and everything inside.

All the feelings that I have and all the pain that I hide.

I love you.

Those are the words that is my gift to you from me.

To bring you lots of joy and make you very happy.

Those are the words that are my nepenthe for past memories

They bring my mind to rest and it slowly starts to ease.

Those are the words that are my pain that slowly eats away

At my mind and soul and makes them start to rot and decay.

I love you.

Those are the words that fill my head with happy thoughts of us.

All the romantic memories and times of love struck lust.

Those are the words that fill this book from the start until the end.

It shows in every page, how much I tried to tend.

And those are the words that fill the hole.

I love you.

Those are the words that make me happy deep within my heart.

When you say them to me, my body starts to warm, each and every part.

Those are the words that make me crazy when I know not what to think.

All my thoughts start to spin and my sound mind starts to sink.

Those are the words that make me sane when my thoughts are crystal clear.

Now I know what to say as I whisper in your ear,

I love you.

i still need you........

as i walk in the breeze,
i saw myself
all alone............
i look again...
deep into my heart....
looking for something to hold on.....
i saw your face....
smiling at me

it was then i realise........

i need you.........

i thought i could move on with life.....

i was wrong....

i still need you...

to make me laugh again...

to make me dream again....

to make my life more beautiful...

colourful...

full of rythme....

full of love and happiness....





i need you.......

to cares my hair.....

to cares my lips....

to cares my ears......

with loving words........



but now i know..........

it is too late...

for i am going....

and i know you have gone.......


for a better future...........

going with ease........

Her eyes begin to close
as the tears roll to the floor.
She knows death has pranced into the room for the reason of the kiss.
She hears the moon calling
as the ocean whispers her name.
She lays there,
Her hand slowly begin to grow cold.
She is torn if she should go with them or not into the deep night sky.
She decides to stop fighting them
for she knows
they will not leave without her tonight.
Hearing the calling of her over and over again,
She my now rest her head with ease,
As she dances into the calling of the moon,
And the ocean's soft whispers.

yesterday i reached singapore at about 11pm.
i saw the man waitnig for me......
i know it's dad who told him i'm coming home....
havent they had enough???
cant they understand simple request??????
I DO NOT WANT TO MEET OR TALK TO HIM BEFORE THE DAY WE WILL MEET AND THAT IS ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

WHY CANT THEY DO JUST THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!
TODAY, I HAVE TO GO TO A MEETING WITH HIM.....

I HATE YOU DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!




I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I HATE ALL OF YOU...................


ALL YOU THING IS BUSINESS!!!!!!!!!


EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO SACRIFICE YOUR OWN DAUGHTER IT DOESNT MATTER RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!


I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I HATE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I HATE YOU MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!


I HATE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

one more month............ i'm yours no more.........

one more month.........
that's the only time i have........
to whisper love to ur ears.......
to lick dos sweets on u......
to tug u in my dream.....
to hold u tight in my breath....

one more month....
that's the only time we have......
to care each other.....
to say love.....
to make dreams.....
to hold each other high.....

one more month.....
my life will have a new beginning....
a beginning that erase everything....
everything i owned....
all the things that i possessed....

one more month......
i will be not me.......
but a woman who have to look out for her man.........
a man that was chosen by her parents...
parents that don understand her....
her cries.......
her stress.......
her happiness....
her needs....
her pain......
her life....

one more month...
thats all the time i have left.....

why cant they let me die

Why does it have to be me

To go though this

Why does it have to be me

Who can never show it

I'm crying cant you see

Don't you care about me?

I lock myself in the bathroom

I won't let anybody in

Then I see it

Perfectly sharpend in all its glory

To help me,

Release me

Let me be free

I take it in my hand

Gripping it tightley

Pointing it carfully at my wrist

Im going to do this

I close my eyes

Count to 5

A sudden pain

Releases,

I feel it trickling

I look at it

It's not to deep,

but deep enough

To feel

To know

I'm real

I'm released

And I'm not hurt

Not in the least bit

Then I sit

Once again

Looking,

Thinking

About what I have just done

Just accomplished

A small frown appears on my face

Not enough

A tear takes place

Makes its jouney to my wrist

Stings,

Burns

The pain

Too slow

I get up and look at my ugly face in the mirrior

And Scream

HOW COULD ANYONE EVEN WANT ME!!!!!

I'm ending this mistake

This mistake thats me,

my life

I'm fed up with life

I hold the knife to my throat

I thought it's a few seconds of pain

or the rest of my life

I make one final slice

My last words are

Good-bye thanks for all the pain and misery!

But it didn't end

i open my eyes to see myself in bed

was i dreaming?

i looked at my wrist,

bandaged.

i felt my throat

bandaged.

i look around me

all i saw is me and an empty furnished room

i stepped out of bed and towards the door

i turned the knod

as i pull the door open

i tried to hear for voices

voices of people i know

silence

thats all i hear

not even the sound of cricket

i sat at my bed

for hours

waiting

for a soul to come in

it was then i came in believe that

i am all alone

because

they dont give a damn about me

but what i dont understand

why cant they let me die??

The moonless night cupped me in its hands
Without a star and only the light post to keep me company
My thoughts are with you.
With silence around me and only my footsteps for company
My thoughts are with you.
As the cool winter breeze caresses my face
My thoughts are with you.
As tears well up in my eyes my thoughts are with you.
why did you leave me?
Your body stayed but your soul went to heaven.
With love in my heart I think of you.

one more month

my dad and his dad has fixed the date . on the 11th august 2007....... the day i will die........

aku takutkan die

aku takutkan die.... semase aku balik semalam, aku terjumpe die kat bawah blok.... aku pun jalan cepat2 tapi die kejar aku .... die pegang tangan aku dan die kate die nak bebual ngan aku psal zul ngan azhar.... jadi aku duduk ngan die ah kat bawah blok...





die tanye aku kalau aku masih cintekan azahar... aku cakap lah aku masih dan akan terus cintekan azahar.... abis tu die tanye aku kalau aku suke kan zul tak...aku cakap aku sayang zul seperti mane azahar sayangkan zul.... aku tak boleh buang zul ketipi... die kan abang azahar...



lepastu die tanye aku kalau aku sayangkan azahar ngan zul sebab harte diorang atau cinte dan kasih sayang... aku geram, aku tampar die lepas tu aku naik atas.... bile aku on hp, die msg aku.... die kate die cinte aku die sayang aku tapi aku tahu itu semua bohong sebab dulu die pernah kate die tak akan cinte dan suke kan aku sebab gemuklah busuklah... hodohlah... miskin ah.... tak setaraf dengan die....





aku takut... aku takut die datang lagi.... aku tak nak hati ini terluke lagi.... aku da tak nak involve dalam relationship yang tak akan membawa manfaat kepade diri aku sendiri....





dan aku masih sayangkan azahar.... cinte aku pada azahar masih lagi berbunge walaupun die dah meningal lebih dari setahun.... aku masih sayangkan zul walaupun die bukan abang aku... zul pernah ade disisi aku ketike aku perlukan seseorang untuk membahu tangisan aku... die ade bile aku perlukan teman untuk mendorong aku keluar dari lingkuan pedih pilu.....



walaupun diorang due da tak ade lagi... aku tetap kenangkan diorang sebab mereke mengajar aku cinte dan kasih sayang yang harus aku berikan kepade orang lain... terutame cinte kepade keluargeku...


selame ini aku tak pernah kenal kasih sayang satu keluarga sehinggalah aku kenali mereka.... mama dan papa mereke juga menyanyangiku... malah aku rase mereke menyayangi ku melebehi dari kasih sayang yang diberi mama dan papa aku sendiri....

tak mungkin aku lupekan diorang sekeluarge....

i love you

When April bends above me
And finds me fast asleep,
Dust need not keep the secret
A live heart died to keep.
When April tells the thrushes,
The meadow-larks will know,
And pipe the three words lightly
To all the winds that blow.
Above his roof the swallows,
In notes like far-blown rain,
Will tell the little sparrow
Beside his window-pane.
O sparrow, little sparrow,
When I am fast asleep,
Then tell my love the secret
That I have died to keep.

broken hearts

When I started as a teen
I didn't think life could be greater.
Soon everything fell apart
and you pieced together my broken heart.
I opened up and let you in,
I never thought you'd hurt me in the end.

I never understood what went wrong.
I didn't think it would hurt this long.
All the things you said to me,
I always thought we would be.
The past we cannot forget
But our hearts might be filled with great regret.
I've survived heartbreak and I'll do it again.
I cannot dwell on one of you men.

Love comes your way each and everyday,
It isn't obvious but is shown in a different way.
Some people feel it and others don't,
There are some people who just won't.

Loving is living,
You have to be giving.
Hiding away won't solve the problem today.
Embrace each chance to give your heart away.

Love hurts but take chances,
You will find different romances.
I will open my heart once more
But my heart will always be sore.

waiting

I sit alone in the darkness।

Waiting।Waiting for him to come back to me।

Can he hear my cries?Can he feel my tears?

Can he sense my breaking heart?

God only knows such a fact।

How can this be that he can't see me?

Is it because I'm sitting alone in the darkness?

I just walk past everyone as if I were invisible।

Can he see me now?

Can he see the pain he's caused me?

Or does he just look past it?

I think I should move on, but something tells me to wait।

It's my heart।

I'll give him one last chance।

He needs to prove his love to me।

As I return to sit alone in the darkness।

Waiting।

dear mom

Dear Mom,You said you'd always be thereBut you're nowhere to be foundI can't believe you left meI feel so low beneath the groundThere's nothing I can do nowI trusted you with all my heartBut now you're goneYou're the one who tore my life apartI've learned not to trustThere's nothing more to sayYou've lost someone specialYou can't get back each dayNow you're the one left in the darkAnd all of a sudden you feel my painYou expect me to take you backBut you still feel you're not to blameI could never forgive youEven if I triedYou can never make upFor the lonely nights I've criedYou will never know the feelingOf losing the person you need the mostTo laugh and cry and love youInstead of making you feel like a ghostI've moved on with my lifeWithout you by my sideMy pain has kept so longI'm telling you how I feel insideIn a way I want to thank youBecause of you I'm strongI just wanted you to knowI didn't turn out wrong

प्लेस ब्रिंग मे अलोंग.....

अकू ताकुत.......

अकू ताकुत काउ हिलंग.....

अकू तिदक माहू इंग्कू तिन्ग्गाल्कन अकू बेर्सेंदिरियन दिसिनी......

तोलोंग लह अज़ाहर......

अकू महेंग्कू मेम्बवा अकू सेकाली......

तोलोंग्लाह.....


प्लेस....


ब्रिंग मे अलोंग.......

ah!!!!!!!!!

aku benci perempuan tu!!!!
dielah peruntuh keluargaku!!!!!
kerana die aku tidak lagi dapat melihat lelaki yang aku sayangi selalu
kerana die aku disini
kerana die orang selalu kate aku gile
kerana die adalah aku!!!!

kerana akulah azahar mati!!!!
kerana akulah semua orang yang menyayanginya tidak dapat melihatnye lagi.... memeluknye.... bergembire.... menangis dibahunye lagi....
kerana akulah mama sakit...
kerana akulah aku merana kini....
kerana kebodohan akulah aku selalu di pergunakan orang lain....

kenapelah aku terlalu lemah???
kenapelah aku tersiksa begini???

aku tak gila!!!! i'm not crazy!!!!

aku tak gila!!!!

i am not crazy!!!!

i swear oh god i saw him!!!!

i saw him with another girl...

then i saw him again.....

i saw him with me....

he was holding me...talking to me..... laughing with me....

how am i seeing him with me but me is not me????

what is it that it is trying to say????

why am i seening things????

why????

azahar do u noe how much i miss you????

azahar do u noe how much i miss u???
do u noe that more than a year i last seen u???
can u hear my prayer every night???
can u see my cry for u every night??
did u ever bother to wipe my tears??

do u remember our best day of our lives???
do u still remeber the color of the ring??
do u still how many diamonds it have??
i have always counted it....
it still mount at sixteen for it symbolise my age when u gave it to me....

why was i so stupid???
why did i have to let go??
why did god have to take u away???
why did chase after me???
why didnt u just let me walk and die just like dat??
why did u have to stop me???
if u jus let me die, u would have been here...healthy....and would have already gotten over me and got a new woman in ur life......

azahar do u noe how much i have been missing u??
do u noe why i miss you??
do noe why i cry for u every night???
do u noe why it is hard for me to let u go???


because....
u sacrifised ur life for me....
u never look down on me...
u never look at me for who i am....
u have always love me for what i am...
u always make me happy....
u always make everyone happy....


for u are u..
a man...
a part of our lives....

hurt by christina aguleira

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away
Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you

all alone....

last nigth as i was sitting by the bedroom window i look outside.... all i see was darkness with no glimpse of a star
the road so clear that you can hear the spirits roam the night
the playground so silent that you can hear the cricket play
i look into my soul
all i can see is loneliness and despair
silence and darkness....
i see myself crouching close that i cant even see a slight light reflection of my face.
i tried to hear sound of laughter b ut all i hear is nothing...
i waited longer to hear again...
whining and cries, my soul cries...
not even a laugh or a smile can be seen....
it was then i realise that i was so alone so lonely...

life on bay

i look into amidst of dreams
i see the colour of tranquility
red blue green yellow violet.... and black.....

why???
why is life so dull???
why is life so unfairly boredom for me???

many times i have tried to change...
many times have i tried to please them
but all come a dismay....
wat should i do....
wat should i say????
let god be the one who tells me
when i face him for all my sins
when i have embrace the holy fire that cleans my soul...
when i am brave enough to know....

my life

i hate my life....
i hate being me...
i hate being nurul hidayah binte kamari...
i hate being the daughter of a man whom i love so much but unable to help...
and i hate myslf for only i noe how painfull it is to bo me...

my nephew